Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Speaking of Surrendering...

In my last post I talked about my word for 2015 being SURRENDER.



WHAT?!

I honestly thought Silas was our last. So while this wasn't my plan or Daniel's plan, we are surrendering to God's will. And we are choosing excitement and joy for this brand new life. We aren't finding out the gender this time again.
   
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Okay so I was worried about Daniel's reaction when I discovered I was pregnant during a random pregnancy check (I test every month because I need Progesterone supplements ASAP or I can miscarry). I have never done anything special in telling him I'm pregnant. I always just hand him the stick. No one throws a parade for me when I pee on the thing lol.

Anyway he is heading upstairs after breakfast the day I had taken the test and I race up after him and pull him aside. The test was one of those Clearblue Weeks Indicator Digitals so it clearly said PREGNANT and then predicts how many weeks from conception. There's no squinting to see if there's a second line with this test!

My actual test.

I show him the test and before he says anything I say, "We are going to choose to be excited!" He looked at it and.... laughed! And then said, "Oh man, I'm going to get teased SO bad by the guys!"

Phew! I worried for nothing. He has been nothing but a dear. He's been calm, he's been sweet. He made it abundantly clear, even before Silas was born, that he was done. So that was why I was worried about telling him, worried he'd be stressed and upset. But when God gives you a baby how can you look at that sweet gift and not praise Him, not thank Him?

So baby #6, we are eagerly and excitedly waiting to meet you, to feel those kicks, see your profile on the sonogram. We will cherish each moment of this last pregnancy, last newborn-ness, last breastfeeder, last toddlerhood...

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The Scrabble board photo is mine. I wanted a fun way to tell the news. One day all the girls were gone to Nonna's house so I sat at the table and put this board together (it was harder than I thought it would be since there are limited amounts of letters!). Daniel picked them up on his way home from work. When the girls came in Daniel was grinning like a maniac so Elaina kept asking, "What is going on?!" We showed them the Scrabble board and I told her to read the words. She read all the words in this monotone and once she said, "six kids" her eyes got really big and she said, "You're pregnant?!?!"

Elaina was so excited and overwhelmed with emotion she cried (happy tears). Zoe was so overwhelmed with emotion that she cried (not happy tears). Abigail was just chill and smiling, totally laid-back and taking it all in. The boys had no idea what was going on. I asked Judah later if he wanted another baby and he said, "Ummm... no thanks!"

Now Judah is adamant that baby is a boy. If you so much as say there's a chance it could be a girl he gets extremely upset. Uh oh! Mommy and Daddy both think girl but we won't know until birth day. Hopefully by then Judah won't mind either way lol.

After we told kids I took this pic of the Scrabble board and texted it to family and friends and Instagram. It was a fun way to tell people without them feeling pressured to react face-to-face (something I've noticed when telling people in person lol). Everyone is excited.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Surrender

I must admit I've never been one who was into resolutions. I see I'm not alone in this. Resolutions seem to say, "I suck and don't like who I am" rather than "I can transform and blossom into who I am meant to be". Well there probably is plenty I should change but those are daily choices I have to make. Will I work out today? Will I choose the healthier food options? Will I be calm and patient or short-fused today? Making a resolution doesn't change those daily choices that I was making just the days before the clock struck midnight to a new year.

I rather like the whole idea of choosing a theme for the year instead, one small word. Something unique for me to focus on. Instead of trying to change who I am I can bloom further into who I am. I've always heard churches come up with catchy little rhymes for the year, like "Setting Captives Free in 2013" but never really thought of asking God for a word specifically for ME and my growth. Besides it seems like those catchy churchy mottos fizzled out pretty quick, yeah? I am finding that a lot of people who choose one small word tend to reflect on it and put more emphasis on it because it becomes a part of them, rather than a list of resolutions on the fridge door. It's for personal growth rather than impersonal tasks.

So this past fall I really started to think about 2015. And for awhile now I just keep coming back to the word 'surrender'. 2015 has a huge TO DO list already, lots of changes in our home and in my business. I can get so overwhelmed by the dailies and discouraged (and angry) when things don't go my way or get done when I want. I didn't wait for the new year to discover and begin to focus on my word. In fact I don't think you have to either. Perhaps if  6 or 8 months down the road I feel God tugging my heart toward a new focus then I'm alright with that. Don't get hung up on the whole "year" thing and just focus on the spiritual season you're in instead. Could be 2 months, could be 2 years.

I'm learning patience. Learning to surrender my plans, my ways, my everything. Don't get me wrong, I'm no martyr. This isn't a woe-is-me post. It's a good thing to surrender to His will. Who knows me better? Who knows all and is all? Who has my back? Who is a doting Father who wants to bless His children, not strike them? As a rebellious sinner it's still hard, this won't be easy. I've been bent on doing things my way for quite a long time.

I've already found that my plans don't always go accordingly anyway. Time to surrender, to be still, to rest. To take it day-to-day and not panic if there are hiccups. I have to admit that I'm kind of afraid of the word "surrender" because it makes me feel really vulnerable and weak, which is perhaps what leads to humility and the whole surrendering bit. I think I'm just afraid of what I have to lose in order to grow.

There are a few things I'm willing to share here where I've already had to surrender my plans:
-My business (it's temporarily closed at the moment)
-Homeschool (a continual surrendering to be their teacher because it wasn't originally 'in my plans' when I first got married and thought about kids)
-My home (repairs not getting done quickly)
-My future home (I feel unrest where I am at, like I'm not where I'm supposed to be)


I keep hearing, "Be faithful with the little..." which is a huge part of surrendering because if I had it my way I'd leave this money pit to someone else to deal with if I could (ouch, sounds so ugly to admit). Of course, by law, all known issues have to be presented to potential buyers of a home and we are law-abiding citizens so a buyer would therefore knowingly take on those projects but... still, I really need to surrender my hastiness and focus on taking care of this home and lovingly. I have to surrender my will to want to be out of here ASAP to when God guides us to go. Part of the reason we are upset about where we are is because we hastily bought this house out of impatience to be out of our rental. I don't want to be in a position where I pressure us to move before our time to move.

Goodness I feel like my sleepy late-night typing has led to such a rambly post but perhaps it spoke to someone out there in the vastness of the Internet. On one good note taking my business off my plate for awhile frees up a lot of time for blogging, which I dearly miss and think about almost daily!

Do you have a word/theme/motto/focus?