Sunday, January 4, 2015

Surrender

I must admit I've never been one who was into resolutions. I see I'm not alone in this. Resolutions seem to say, "I suck and don't like who I am" rather than "I can transform and blossom into who I am meant to be". Well there probably is plenty I should change but those are daily choices I have to make. Will I work out today? Will I choose the healthier food options? Will I be calm and patient or short-fused today? Making a resolution doesn't change those daily choices that I was making just the days before the clock struck midnight to a new year.

I rather like the whole idea of choosing a theme for the year instead, one small word. Something unique for me to focus on. Instead of trying to change who I am I can bloom further into who I am. I've always heard churches come up with catchy little rhymes for the year, like "Setting Captives Free in 2013" but never really thought of asking God for a word specifically for ME and my growth. Besides it seems like those catchy churchy mottos fizzled out pretty quick, yeah? I am finding that a lot of people who choose one small word tend to reflect on it and put more emphasis on it because it becomes a part of them, rather than a list of resolutions on the fridge door. It's for personal growth rather than impersonal tasks.

So this past fall I really started to think about 2015. And for awhile now I just keep coming back to the word 'surrender'. 2015 has a huge TO DO list already, lots of changes in our home and in my business. I can get so overwhelmed by the dailies and discouraged (and angry) when things don't go my way or get done when I want. I didn't wait for the new year to discover and begin to focus on my word. In fact I don't think you have to either. Perhaps if  6 or 8 months down the road I feel God tugging my heart toward a new focus then I'm alright with that. Don't get hung up on the whole "year" thing and just focus on the spiritual season you're in instead. Could be 2 months, could be 2 years.

I'm learning patience. Learning to surrender my plans, my ways, my everything. Don't get me wrong, I'm no martyr. This isn't a woe-is-me post. It's a good thing to surrender to His will. Who knows me better? Who knows all and is all? Who has my back? Who is a doting Father who wants to bless His children, not strike them? As a rebellious sinner it's still hard, this won't be easy. I've been bent on doing things my way for quite a long time.

I've already found that my plans don't always go accordingly anyway. Time to surrender, to be still, to rest. To take it day-to-day and not panic if there are hiccups. I have to admit that I'm kind of afraid of the word "surrender" because it makes me feel really vulnerable and weak, which is perhaps what leads to humility and the whole surrendering bit. I think I'm just afraid of what I have to lose in order to grow.

There are a few things I'm willing to share here where I've already had to surrender my plans:
-My business (it's temporarily closed at the moment)
-Homeschool (a continual surrendering to be their teacher because it wasn't originally 'in my plans' when I first got married and thought about kids)
-My home (repairs not getting done quickly)
-My future home (I feel unrest where I am at, like I'm not where I'm supposed to be)


I keep hearing, "Be faithful with the little..." which is a huge part of surrendering because if I had it my way I'd leave this money pit to someone else to deal with if I could (ouch, sounds so ugly to admit). Of course, by law, all known issues have to be presented to potential buyers of a home and we are law-abiding citizens so a buyer would therefore knowingly take on those projects but... still, I really need to surrender my hastiness and focus on taking care of this home and lovingly. I have to surrender my will to want to be out of here ASAP to when God guides us to go. Part of the reason we are upset about where we are is because we hastily bought this house out of impatience to be out of our rental. I don't want to be in a position where I pressure us to move before our time to move.

Goodness I feel like my sleepy late-night typing has led to such a rambly post but perhaps it spoke to someone out there in the vastness of the Internet. On one good note taking my business off my plate for awhile frees up a lot of time for blogging, which I dearly miss and think about almost daily!

Do you have a word/theme/motto/focus?

1 comment:

Lindsey Lewandowski said...

Instead of resolutions I make goals. It's great reading your blog. Looking forward to reading more. What cute looking kiddos you have there :)

-Living chemical free