I want to be real with myself and with you. I sat here contemplating what to write and didn't feel like writing out another list of updates on which child is excelling here or which child is working on this or about our zoo of pets. And I decided to be honest and just write what is on my heart at this VERY moment.
And I have to confess that today I was no ray of sunshine to be around. My name is JOY so I should be joyful all the time, right? But I'm not. In fact I'm far too cranky and short-fused lately. Ever since AF came I can feel that "old Joy" rearing her ugly head. My husband has a nickname for me when I act this way... he calls me by my name backward and will ask where his wife went. 'Yoj.'
I know it is the hormones but I hate blaming them. I should be in control of my emotions. I don't need to get upset over every little thing. And yet I do. Now I don't ever whine to my husband, "The hormones make me do the things I do!" at all. I definitely think it but I don't dare vocalize that because I hate excuses and blame. Don't get me wrong- no one is being hurt. I just grumble to myself, complain about everything and yell at everyone if they make a mess or don't listen.
And I'm so so so sick of it! I'm sick of me. And I can't escape me.
So I guess all of that is to say... am I the only one? Am I the only one who has these bad days? Or yells? Or gets upset over the stupidest things and then feels like a total donkey for having to apologize all the time? Or better yet- feels like a complete hypocrite?
I can't take Metformin (used to treat Diabetes and PCOS; I have PCOS) because I'm still breastfeeding. And Metformin is really helpful in controlling the hormones and helping you to lose weight. So then I feel fat and angry on top of just feeling emotional all the time. I'm just in a slump where I'm not happy with who I am. I act before I speak, I get cranky at the drop of a hat, I feel horrible in anything I wear and don't have money to get anything new (we're PINCHING pennies right now for Daniel's wisdom tooth extraction that we have to pay for out-of-pocket).
Okay, whine over. See? I'm sick of even hearing myself whine. Thank you for listening!