Saturday, September 11, 2010

Ugh

I want to be real with myself and with you. I sat here contemplating what to write and didn't feel like writing out another list of updates on which child is excelling here or which child is working on this or about our zoo of pets. And I decided to be honest and just write what is on my heart at this VERY moment.

And I have to confess that today I was no ray of sunshine to be around. My name is JOY so I should be joyful all the time, right? But I'm not. In fact I'm far too cranky and short-fused lately. Ever since AF came I can feel that "old Joy" rearing her ugly head. My husband has a nickname for me when I act this way... he calls me by my name backward and will ask where his wife went. 'Yoj.'

I know it is the hormones but I hate blaming them. I should be in control of my emotions. I don't need to get upset over every little thing. And yet I do. Now I don't ever whine to my husband, "The hormones make me do the things I do!" at all. I definitely think it but I don't dare vocalize that because I hate excuses and blame. Don't get me wrong- no one is being hurt. I just grumble to myself, complain about everything and yell at everyone if they make a mess or don't listen.

And I'm so so so sick of it! I'm sick of me. And I can't escape me.

So I guess all of that is to say... am I the only one? Am I the only one who has these bad days? Or yells? Or gets upset over the stupidest things and then feels like a total donkey for having to apologize all the time? Or better yet- feels like a complete hypocrite?

I can't take Metformin (used to treat Diabetes and PCOS; I have PCOS) because I'm still breastfeeding. And Metformin is really helpful in controlling the hormones and helping you to lose weight. So then I feel fat and angry on top of just feeling emotional all the time. I'm just in a slump where I'm not happy with who I am. I act before I speak, I get cranky at the drop of a hat, I feel horrible in anything I wear and don't have money to get anything new (we're PINCHING pennies right now for Daniel's wisdom tooth extraction that we have to pay for out-of-pocket).

Okay, whine over. See? I'm sick of even hearing myself whine. Thank you for listening!

7 comments:

Mommy Elephant Sarah said...

I think that is pretty normal Joy. I know I didn't get so hormonal before I had M. Now I get cranky or this sad feeling ( I don't have depression), and I know it's the stupid hormones. You're not the only one.

Anne Elizabeth said...

I agree with Sarah that's its pretty normal. I know that I am WAY more hormonal than I was before I had kids. It is frustrating, and I beat myself up A LOT for it, because I don't like feeling this way at all. Sometimes getting some "me" time away from my house helps. If you want to drop the girls off sometime soon, so you can have some "me" time let me know. :)

Vixbil said...

I am hideously hormonal since I had the children and I hate it too. I am like Anne to in the fact that I beat myself up all the time about it too.
xx

The Lynchs said...

I am totally like that sometimes! I can remember one night where I FLIPPED out on my husband for eating too loudly, haha. Yeah, it wasn't my proudest moment :-)

It definitely still sucks though...I hate feeling all mopey and out-of-control.

Karin said...

HI Joy...thank you for becoming the 100th follower on my blog! Woohoo! So cool that your name is Joy. :) My email address is: keprunty@aol.com if you have any questions about the fundraiser. We did reach our goal for baby Joy and we are now raising money for another baby girl who needs surgery (we went over the amount, so we needed to choose another recipient). We are really excited to see how God might want to use this and are willing to keep sewing if people will keep ordering. :)

To order a blanekt set, you can click on the PayPal link at the top of my right sidebar, and then write in a fabric choice if you have one.

Mel said...

Being a woman sure is hard. I have had these days, too, for sure. You're in good company. I work EXTRA hard on connecting with God during those times, asking for forgiveness from Him and everyone around me, and working through my issues to do my best to be a better person. I wish it didn't KEEP happening, but sadly, it seems to come up every now and then no matter what I do. I'll be praying for you!

Oh, and exercise often helps me DOUBLY more at these times in life, too. I tell my husband and I going to "run the mean out of me." LOL Sad, but true!

*~Chelsea~* said...

I agree with all of the above - it's normal. That doesn't make it easier for you or make you feel less guilty, though. I inherited my mother's short temper and I have yelled at Jeremy and gotten short with him more times than I care to admit. Lately (the past 6 months or so) I have made a real effort not to...I still have bad days, though. You're a great woman, mother, and wife, and we all do it! We're all a work in progress. :-)