Friday, February 27, 2009

Read at your own discretion (TMI warning)

For some of you this is no big deal, for others topics like this can gross you out. I just want to mention, for posterity sake, something that is kind of disgusting and gross.

I keep having this weird feeling, like I might be bleeding.

But everytime I go to the bathroom it's just a truckload of CM. I totally forgot this part of being pregnant! I always remembered it in the 3rd trimester, anyway, never the beginning. Then again, you tend to forget a lot unless you write it down (hence me typing this totally TMI info).

I actually really appreciate CM. But when you go to a fertility class to learn about monitoring your CM to prevent or achieve pregnancy and the teacher breaks out a book with PICTURES of other womens' CM you can't get it out of your head. Yuck, yuck.

The insomnia is getting annoying. Some days I wake up before the sun is up and cannot fall back asleep. Other mornings I'm so tired that I have to go back to sleep after breakfast because I just cannot function.

When you're pregnant with your first, and you don't have a job, you have so much "rest time". I remember sleeping in until almost noon when I was pregnant with Butterfly. But now that I have two little ones it just doesn't work that way. You have to fight through your sleep deprivation, which you've had all along since the first child was born, plus the fatigue pregnancy brings you.

It's gotten to the point in the past year that I'm so used to sleep deprivation. Before I had children I was not a morning person. Well, I'm still not. But back then I wouldn't even talk in the morning- I'd just grunt at people. Now I at least roll over and tease Daniel, "Wakey, wakey honeybun! Time to get up!!!" in a sing-songy voice.

I attribute the ability to sing silly wake-up songs to Daniel to the sleep deprivation. It makes you delusional and crazy!

The other night I had an awful nightmare that I couldn't shake. Something about floods coming and feeling this sense of urgency. I remember getting my family and our memorabilia (photos and such) put together and trying to get out of town because the floods were going to swallow up the city. I just remember how I FELT during the dream. It was absolutely awful.

What was worse was it would replay with different scenerios. In one we forgot Beckett (the cat) so we had to turn around and go get him. Then it would re-start and we'd be in a traffic jam as flood waters came rushing behind us, devouring the cars until it reached ours and we died. Again, it would re-start and we were then running down a street, each of us holding one of our daughters, as the waters rose behind us, desperately trying to reach higher ground.

In some scenerios we were able to keep our momentos (pictures, things that meant something to us, etc.) and in others our fear and protectiveness for our children won out over any material things and we ran, ready to let all of our possessions be destroyed. The good part in waking up is that it made me realize what's most important in my life- my loved ones. I already knew that, of course, but it reiterated that all of our "stuff" will pass away in time.

Okay, that kind of got depressing. But the dream really bothered me because it was so very realistic!

In happier news- I forgot to mention that my doctor told me I could take one progesterone pill a day, instead of two. I actually started doing that almost 2 weeks ago. The funny thing is that progesterone, I thought, made your boobs HURT. But mine didn't.

Well the past few days I cannot believe how bad they hurt! I just never experienced this except post-birth. And I'm down one of the pills. So my body must be producing a good amount on it's own. I'm still taking one for safety sake and hopefully for not much longer! It's hard enough swallowing all the pills I have (I swallow 4 at a time!).

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Like a Racehorse

I think my most noticeable symptom today was having to pee constantly. Every time I take a sip I am running upstairs to the bathroom! Hey, at least it is good exercise to have to keep going up the stairs. In fact, I have to go right now. Ugh!

My skin has been extremely dry, no matter how much water I drink or how much lotion I put on. I cannot wait for the weather to figure out which direction it is going- warm or cold!

Which brings me to my next, strange symptom- I'm freezing cold all the time! Even when it is warm. Even with the space heater on me it's like this cold deep inside. Weird! Most pregnant women get hot flashes. Instead I'm a Pregsicle.

I know I make Andrea hungry every time I post and this will be no exception. I made tuna noodle casserole for dinner the other night- and the girls went to bed hungry because they refused to touch it. But me? Oh man, it was so good. There's a ton of leftovers and I have to refrain from eating too much fish! There's only about 10 ounces of tuna (not albacore) in there so I think I can have a little for lunch tomorrow and all will be well in Babyland.

Still no nausea except a little stomach discomfort after I take my pills. Instead I want to eat constantly, which is not good in my opinion. I don't want to gain over 25-30 lbs! At the rate I want to eat I might exceed that. Must... have... control..! Nausea always hit me around 8 weeks when pregnant with my girls.

I remember vividly when I got morning sickness with Butterfly. I was about 8-9 weeks. It was the week of my wedding. After the wedding ceremony, I sat in the bathroom with my face against the cool floor while everyone else ate and chatted. I threw up in the car on our way to our honeymoon... and on the way back. I remember that before then I didn't feel sick. I'm still waiting for it to hit me soon!

Insomnia- I have a major problem sleeping now and I'm only 6 weeks! Once I wake up, I'm up. Whereas before I got pregnant I could sleep through a train wreck outside my window, or at least fall back asleep after being woken up by it. Butterfly decided to climb into bed with me at 3:30am and I wasn't able to fall back asleep for almost an HOUR! It's horrible- I love and value my sleep very, very much!

Wow, this was really boring and kudos to you for reading to the end!

Monday, February 23, 2009

6 Weeks!

My ticker says 6 weeks now! Wow, I feel like time is moving slow as molasses. I keep waiting for something bad to happen, which is not healthy. I keep checking the TP when I go to the bathroom. I have lost my pregnancy innocence the first time I had a miscarriage. The second miscarriage did nothing to alleviate the fear, only intensified it.

Nonetheless I'm still enjoying this pregnancy much more than I enjoyed my pregnancy with Bumble Bee, especially at this point. Now I'm not saying I regret my pregnancy with Bumble Bee whatsoever! What I'm saying is I was so terrified of losing her that I kept an emotional distance from her until she was in my arms. We actually tried to get pregnant with Bumble Bee, whereas this one was an unexpected surprise!

I've already gotten paint chips from the store and I cleared out the nursery closet. I put all of Bumble Bee's clothes in Butterfly's room. Today I took out her bookshelf and all of her books to put back in the playroom. Her room is starting to look bare!

Today I did way too much. I forget I have limits. I'm not fragile like spun glass by any means, but I really want to be careful. I carried our ladder and vacuum downstairs, took Bumble Bee's bookshelf and books down, and carried a desk down and out to the curb. Yes, shame on me! And believe me, I'm regretting it all. At the time I felt strong and capable, now I feel very pregnant and crampy.

I just really wanted the house cleaned up for Daniel's return but I know he's going to give me a stern talkin' to because he'd rather the house be a mess than I be in pain (awwww--- isn't he sweet?!). So just feeling crampy. I laid down and watched hours of TV after the girls were in bed. No spotting or anything like that, thank the Lord!

So I'm taking it E-A-S-Y Tuesday. It'll just be Bumble Bee and me most of the day since Butterfly will be with Nonna. We'll probably laze around and watch a movie, read books, play with blocks- who knows?!

And yes, I learned my lesson! Next time I'm calling my mom-in-law or whatever male family members are around if I need something done, I PROMISE!

Happenings

Well just a quick update to say that all is going well so far! My first OB appointment is scheduled for March 12th. I think I'll be 8 weeks then so we probably won't get a sono or hear baby's heartbeat. Well... he might want me to get a sonogram just see how far along I am since I did get pregnant after miscarrying. But I'm not going to ask for one because my insurance only covers one and I want to do it around 20 weeks. If he wants to do it, though, I'll go ahead with it. Any chance to see Jelly Bean is awesome.

Symptoms today are at a minimum. Not feeling sick or sensitive to smells. Then again, there really isn't anything stinky in my house to be sensitive to since I've been a cleaning maniac.

But my ta-tas are SORE today! I don't remember this with my girls at all. I always remembered (and this is going to sound silly) squeezing them and pushing on them to see if they were sore to no avail when pregnant with each of my daughters. I picked Bumble Bee up in a hug this morning and let's just say it hurt!

I've really been craving seaweed and rice. When Daniel gets home I'm going to make him to go the Chinese supermarket and get me some good, sticky rice for our rice cooker and some dry seaweed "paper" so I can make my own crabless California rolls. (I don't like crab.)

I've been avoiding popcorn!!! Can you believe it? The smell of it makes me want to gag. Not puke, just gag. One of my first posts on my original blog was about how much I loved making my own popcorn. Yuck!

Ummm... not much else going on. I've already had mild sciatic pain two or three times because I was lifting the kiddos. Yeah, bad Joy, I know!

Oh- and I did have to break out maternity jeans on Saturday. I put on my regular jeans and they still fit, but the pressure was too much to bear. Plus, I can't suck my stomach in anymore. I'm very short so it's no wonder, plus I still had a little belly anyway. Thankfully, when I have maternity jeans on, I look pregnant and not fat! They're so comfortable, but I'm short and they seem really short on ME. What is up with that?!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Week ? ***UPDATED with BETA RESULTS

UPDATE AT END.

I've been trying to be busy today! I'm anxiously awaiting my 2nd beta results which I know will be fine. But I'm anxious nonetheless.

Before I found out Jelly Bean existed, I started a project in my bedroom. In the master bedroom there is a second, smaller room that I have dubbed The Sitting Room. Sometimes I feel fancy enough to call it The Powder Room. However no one sits or powders in it............ yet!

When we first moved to this house there was ugly flower wallpaper on part of the walls and primer on the others. Someone was trying to build a funky looking closet on one wall, too. Part of my work in the room was ripping out the closet. DEMOLITION! I finally, FINALLY just now got the last piece off the ceiling.

I'm going to paint the woodwork in there the same brown as the bedroom trim (why the former owners painted the gorgeous woodwork I will NEVER understand!). And the walls will be a cranberry color, I hope (I'm mixing my own color).

Why am I writing all of this on my pregnancy blog, instead of my main blog? Because I feel pregnant when I do work. When I exert myself even a little (walking up the stairs slowly) my heart picks up speed. The pregnant body pumps 50% more blood than a non-pregnant body, so that is understandable.

And I can feel my womb growing and expanding, too. If my chest gets jostled from walking, or running up the stairs, I feel this tingly tenderness. When I first started the project, pre-positive pregnancy stick, I didn't feel this way! So cool to be in tune with my body and feel a difference. Like last night I laid down on my belly to write in my journal and I can already feel what feels like a very small, inflated balloon very, very low in my body.

Even with new symptoms seemingly every day- it's still so surreal. It won't be real to me until a sonogram or movements; whichever comes first. Baby movements are my favorite part of being pregnant. I love to play with my babies in utero. I like to push, poke, prod [gently] and just rest my hands to feel them move.

My ticker is saying I'm over 5 weeks. I really wonder how far along I truly am. Of course all of it is just estimation but I like having a number. I'd be surprised if I was more than 5 weeks along. We shall see! Maybe my doctor will let me get a sonogram when I go in for my first appointment (around week 8-10).

I almost can't suck in my stomach anymore. While I did lose some weight and inches from working out, I still had a little belly. So if I stop sucking in my stomach I look like I'm 3-4 months pregnant. I showed Daniel last night what I looked like when I stopped sucking it in and his mouth literally dropped open and he said, "You look pregnant!" Well, duh, honey... I am!

Very soon I won't be able to breathe and hold it in any longer. I'll have to don some maternity wear early and let it all hang out. At least it looks ROUND and pregnant and not like fat!



Update: I finally got the call with my beta results around 4 pm. Waiting wasn't a problem until after 1:30. Then I started getting a little worried, wondering if maybe they were waiting to call with bad news until the work day was over.

Thankfully I don't have bad news. I have GREAT news!

In 42 hours my HCG went up to 504!!! So the numbers more than doubled in less than the time they should (usually double within 72 hours).

I'm feeling really, really bloated and crampy tonight. Grow, baby, grow!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Positively Glowing

Have you ever made eye contact with someone of the opposite gender over the shelves in the store? You see them give you this slow smile, or notice them blatantly "checking you out" though your body is hidden behind the rack of knick knacks. You basically can see that they think you're cute or pretty...

... until you turn the corner and they see the kids hanging all over the cart, smearing peanut butter on the front of your shirt, screaming like apes. Oh the look on their faces is priceless when they notice the sparkling diamonds on your left hand and all your precious children. How quickly they redden and turn away!

I got a lot of those kinds of looks today. So I'm guessing I must look radiant or I must be glowing. Okay okay, so my cheeks are really rosy because of mild rosacea from all the hormones. But I am not complaining! Bring on the acne and swelling! It is worth it in the end.

So yesterday I had such bad indigestion that I was laying on the couch, holding my stomach, and groaning in misery. I drank and drank water and it didn't help. I ate some pretzels (to soak up stomach acid) and I had a brief reprieve before it came back. Only sleep cured it because I woke up acid-free!

Pretzels and Ginger Ale are my cure-alls in pregnancy. The pretzels taste better than crackers and are just as effective. And I love how bubbly Ginger Ale is and it really settles a nauseated stomach. So far I haven't had to get any of the pop.

My 2nd lab draw was today, results tomorrow. I have a great feeling that the number is going to be well over 500, which is what it needs to be. Then we can put all this worrying and nonsense behind us and focus on gender games and nursery paint swatches (which I got today when I ran into H.ome D.epot for some more trim paint).

Speaking of H.ome D.epot I also checked out their chair rails. I REALLY REALLY want to put chair rail in the nursery. I've wanted to do it for a long time. The cheapest one I found was $1.19 per foot and I actually really like it more than the expensive ones. I'm thinking it might cost around $30-40 to do the chair rail. Not too shabby! But definitely not the main issue right now.

I almost broke down and bought this can of "OOPS Paint" (paint that they mix up wrong or someone doesn't buy). These cans are only $5 a gallon. FIVE BUCKS for a gallon of paint. And I could've lived with the shade but decided to wait. Green is the color I want to do if we have a boy and if we end up with another girl I might regret it (green works in a girl room, too, but I have different plans if we have a girl). So be PROUD of me! I practiced some major self control today.

All right, this was long. I'm off to eat a small snack and chug some water. I'm anxiously awaiting my results tomorrow, trying to not think about it. And LOST is on tonight- looks like a great episode!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

♥RESULTS♥

You can tell by the hearts in the title that all is well and I worried for nothing.

HCG was 228 and progesterone was 97.7 (because of the supplements). The HCG was higher than I thought it'd be, which is great!

I'm not crazy! LOL! I didn't have a false positive test at home. The nurse was practically giddy when she told me a hearty, "Congratulations!"

I go back tomorrow for a repeat test to make sure the levels are doubling. I'm so confident that all is well. I've had a wonderful feeling that this Jelly Bean is going to stick. They always do a repeat test when you get bloodwork at this office, which is nice. It will reassure me all is well.

And yes, I think I shall dub this one Jelly Bean because they are sticky and sweet and oh-so cute! Plus it reminds me of October when you get tons of candy. This is just our Little Sweetie. Cannot wait to write out more great news on Thursday with tomorrow's test results!

And I think we all learned from this to not drink a ton of water before any urine tests!!!

I don't think I'm as far along as my ticker says either. I think I'm about 5 days less than what is says. We shall see! I can't wait to a sonogram.

Monday, February 16, 2009

What the H-E-double hockey sticks!

So I called my doctor's office today and told them I had a positive test at home. They told me to come in and confirm with one of their tests before I could be seen. Fine, no problemo.

Well after I got off the phone I got so dizzy I felt like I was drunk. I was stumbling and I had to scoot myself down the stairs for fear of falling. I called MIL and had her take me while Daniel watched the girlies. It was really bad. I had to drink more water and that made me feel better. I drank the water about an hour before the urine test.

*SIGH* Their test was negative. I can only hope that it was because I drank so much stinking water. Not to mention their tests don't pick up as much HCG as FRER (First Response).

Now when she walked in and told me, I actually felt very calm and peaceful. I said to her, "I'm not worried about it," and she said she wasn't either. She handed me a bag of prenatal vitamins anyway and got a lab write-up for a blood draw.

So I had my blood drawn right after the urine test. Results tomorrow, hopefully before lunch according to the nurse. I'll wait until noon and if they don't call then I'll call after their lunch hours. Blech, I feel like I'm going to be sick with waiting.

Why can't I just walk in, pee on a stick, have it come up positive? Why? Why? Why? Can't I just have another normal pregnancy, PLEASE? Part of me just feels very peaceful. I even thought to myself before I went, "Don't be surprised if it is negative because you're probably earlier than you think and their tests s*ck." But the human side of me that is fearful and scared is trying to take control of my peace. Again, "blighted ovum" are the words dancing around in my head.

*SIGH* Am I destined to only have dramatic pregnancies from here on out? I hope not. And yes, I'm fine. The dizziness wore off slowly after I drank more water. But that danged water may have caused me undue stress.

I spoke too soon...

Okay last night's post on being nervous and having lack of "important" symptoms that reassure you that pregnancy is most likely progressing properly. Yeah, forget what I said. I feel like total crud today. The progesterone is giving me headaches that make me want to scream.

But now I'm feeling ill. I don't want or need to throw up, thank goodness. But I feel a general icky feeling. Maybe it is from the headaches, maybe it is from my sweet little blessing. Or both. Regardless it actually makes me feel better.

I love how people have sweet little nicknames for their unborn babies before they find out the gender. So I want to think up a little name for this one. We had "Pumpkin" for the last one because we found out on Halloween that we were pregnant. Now that we're due near Halloween I was thinking maybe "Our Little Jack-o-Lantern" or something.

Then I thought of Sweet Pea, Cupcake, Peanut, Sweet Potato... Maybe I could call them our little Kernel (like corn... because corn is one of those things you see in October too!) but it's not as cute. There's just so many and I haven't talk to Daniel yet. I'll see what he thinks. But I also LOVE polls so I may put a poll up. Let me know if you have thoughts or ideas, too. Maybe there's something out there that I just haven't thought up yet but would love.

As it stands we're still really set on our names. I told Butterfly that if the baby was boy his name would be Caiden Isaac. She loves to roll the name around in her mouth and says it very clearly. Then I told her if it is a girl her name would be Zoe Beth (with the two dots above the "O"- I forgot the ALT code for that one so if any of y'all know it, let me know!). Butterfly loves the names! Bumble Bee cannot pronounce them at all. I don't think Bumble Bee even knows what we're talking about yet!

I feel strongly these are the names God has given us. When I had Butterfly and Bumble Bee we didn't know what to name them. They were named in the hospital after they were born but were on our "list". I am so glad and relieved to have names chosen already so we can get used to the name early on, before the birth. Wow, getting ahead of myself mentioning birth! Ha ha! I want to enjoy every moment of this time. It feels like it is dragging on but I'm fine with that.

My last pregnancy I had already done some research to figure out some products I'm interested in getting. I have two major purchases: crib and carseat. The crib can actually wait for a long time since we have a bassinet still. But I did research and fell in love with THIS CARSEAT. Except the price went up incredibly since I last looked at it. I just want the carseat, not the stroller. I wonder if they sell it separate? If not I'll just find a different seat but I think this one is gorgeous.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Nervous

So I have to admit that I'm incredibly nervous now. Once the adrenaline wore off and I stopped shaking so bad in excitement, the worry set in. Worrying about my insurance and prenatal care, worrying about a blighted ovum or cysts that give off HCG, worrying about everything... and nothing of importance.

I'm trying to stay positive and just pretend that nothing will happen, to pretend that I already know all is well even though I haven't had one test. I haven't even called the doctor yet since I tested over the weekend. I don't want to live an entire 8 months in fear.

My symptoms, or lack thereof, also make me fearful. But I have to remember and remind myself that I didn't really have nausea until week 9 with both of my girls. Every pregnancy is different, of course, but it gives me comfort to know that everything is probably just fine.

Can I just add, before I list my symptoms, how incredibly humorous it is that you don't really notice symptoms until you see the two lines? All of a sudden you have an entire list of symptoms. You wake up and feel bloated, you notice you pee every hour, your breasts have swelled up twice the size--- all in the course of the middle of the night since finding out you're pregnant.

I joined an amazing website- BabyFit. I'm continuing my diet and exercise (though it will be moderated, of course). I also found another website I adore, where I got my beautiful ticker. Most people have heard of it- TheBump.

My Symptoms (thus far):

-bloating
-peeing all the time
-fatigue
-headaches

That's about it. No nausea, no food aversions, no sore breasts (even on progesterone- but I never really had sore breasts with my girlies either). The fatigue and headaches are from the progesterone.

Ugh, I had a ton more typed up but my server keeps messing up. The server popped on to say they fixed it but of course half of my blog post wasn't saved. I don't feel like typing it all out again. Blech........

Friday, February 13, 2009

Love is in the air! *Updated with Test Results*

Update at end.


Tomorrow is the LOVE holiday! I'm not really into the holiday and we don't have plans but I was thinking about taking a test tomorrow, just to make sure. It's probably way too early [if my cycles are off] and I'm probably not pregnant. But I want to know when I am as soon as possible so I can take the progesterone pills I have leftover. So just a precaution, I guess. I really don't have any feelings on that right now. I don't feel I'll be disappointed since I have another focus right now (weight loss). If I was JUST TTC right now,it'd probably be really hard, especially on V-Day, to get a BFN.

The scale has been stuck. It just won't move! It's discouraging but Daniel was telling me today that he can tell that I've slimmed/toned as much as a girl of my size can look slimmed down.* I really should post pictures but I never think of it. My size 14 jeans can now be slipped on and off without unbuttoning them! I looked at jeans today at the store but wasn't ready to buy a "transition" pair just yet.

(*I don't think it helps that I'm eating the chocolate my MIL gave me for Valentine's Day, does it? Ahhh... indulging once in awhile never hurt anyone!)

Have I ever mentioned that my kids love exercise time, if they're awake when I do it? I usually do it during their naptime or after they go to bed. But every now and then we'll break out a workout video and we'll all jump and workout together.

There is nothing sweeter than watching them try to mimick the trainer. Or maybe their awkward movements are from trying to mimick ME! Ha ha!

Speaking of exercise, time for my "last chance workout" before our weigh-in tomorrow morning. Even though I really weigh 176 lbs the scale shows 180 lbs. It just will not go below 180!!! It's driving me nuts.

♥UPDATE♥

God decided to give us a different, new pumpkin..







That's right! We are due in October, around the time we found out we were pregnant with our last little pumpkin! I'm shaking so bad. I didn't even mean to test. I turned off the computer, went upstairs to get ready for bed, realized how badly I had to pee... I decided waiting until morning would be stupid. I honestly did not think I was pregnant this cycle. At all. And then I thought about how Mel didn't have pregnancy symptoms when she got pregnant with Baby Girl.


I just wanted to test to be certain, so I could start the progesterone in case I was. I'm not even 4 weeks yet. I'm about 12dpo making me 3 weeks, 5 days. Obviously those dates might be off. BUT CAN YOU FRIGGIN' BELIEVE IT?


No wonder my weight decided to plateau. And no wonder my chest decided to swell back up to its' normal annoying size. Oh. My. God, how I love Thee. THANK YOU, JESUS! I'm sorry I didn't lose more weight beforehand but this is SO worth it. I can lose it later!


And yes I'm positive this is positive. I took a test in January before I got AF to make sure my levels were down to zero. I had two VERY negative tests last month, which was a relief in the sense that I'd KNOW I had a BFP when I got one. And I HAVE ONE!

*TICKER on left sidebar is based on LMP. Because of having messed up cycles I am basing it on LMP!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

*UPDATE*UPDATE*UPDATE*

I cannot believe a week has passed since my last post! Bad Joy, bad! Okay so it partially wasn't my fault- my computer got sick. She's all better now, thank you.

Anyway, I'm weighing in at 181 lbs now. But apparently my scale is 4 lbs off so technically I am 177 lbs. I haven't decided if I should just go by what my scale says since that is a constant or if I should deduct 4 lbs from my weigh-ins. Believe me, I'd love to deduct 4 lbs because it is 1). accurate & real and 2). it makes me look a lot better! For some reason 177 looks way better than 181 even though it's only a 3-pound difference. I weigh less than I did when I got pregnant with Abby!

The past few days have been amazing, weather-wise. We have spent so much time outdoors. And this is where I get really excited. My energy and motivation are so high that it's unbelievable. Yesterday (Friday) was the first time I took Elaina to a park and wanted to go.

It was the first time I went to the park and had the energy to chase my girls around all over the playground and even climb the blasted thing and slide with them. I'm telling you- I haven't done this since I was a teenager.

I'm finding it hard to articulate exactly what I'm trying to say. I wasn't lazy before, I was just sluggish because of poor eating habits and not getting enough H2O (that's water for those who never took chemistry). I took one look at the weather and said, "We are going OUTside right now!" Before this entire weight loss journey it didn't matter how warm it was outside- I never took my kids to the park because it was "too much work" and "too tiring".

Well that has changed. I want to get outside and I want to take my kids out. One of my favorite things about life, which helped cultivate this love for Wicca in my past before I became a Christian, is nature (I now know and understand God is the creator of nature, which makes it even more lovely; not the gods that make up Wicca!). I love being in the woods, I love feeling the breeze, I love gazing at the sky and watching clouds, I love the feel of tree bark beneath my fingertips. Nature is just so pure and romantic to me and it moves me very deeply.

So needless to say it felt GREAT to get out. It felt great to see my kids so delighted. Especially because I was able to climb up there with them instead of watching from below impatiently. We also walked a few blocks down to our church to pick up something Daddy had left in his office instead of driving down there. It has just been glorious weather! The breeze kissing my face and messing my hair was so refreshing!

And my size 14 jeans I've been wearing? They're now a few inches loose as well. But size 12 jeans are still a dream at this point- they'd just be too tight. Hoping within 2 weeks that I'm in size 12! I'll have to pick up a pair somewhere since I don't have any that size, but it's okay. I can just donate them to charity when I'm done using them or keep them in case I do get pregnant at some point before my goal and need post-partum jeans.

Speaking of pregnancy- my cycles are really screwy. I have no idea what is going on and I'm kind of relieved. There's no pressure to avoid or achieve anything. We'll just be and let God do as He pleases.

As it stands- AF is predicted to arrive either on Valentine's Day OR my birthday (Feb. 28)... unless I was to unexpectedly get a BFP. Then it'd be HAPPY Valentine's Day or a HAPPY Birthday. Whatever happens, so long as I'm down to about 170 lbs by my birthday, I'll be a happy girl.

I feel like a walking complexity as I struggle between this TTC business and weight loss. Forgive me! I know I'm being confusing. But remember, I'm just letting things happen naturally. Whatever comes first (weight loss or BFP), comes first at this point. And I say it that way because even if we did avoid pregnancy- if it was God's will for us to have a baby He would make a way (we are not celibate people).