Thursday, November 19, 2009

It All Comes Full Circle

It is absolutely breathtaking and amazing to me how things look in retrospect. When you are in your darkest moment it is impossible to understand that one day things will be brighter again. That there is always hope. That things can change so unbelievably fast.

Exactly a year ago today I found out I was miscarrying. I consider the actual anniversary to be the 20th (tomorrow) as that is when I started passing tissue and my baby. (Post HERE) Many of you will remember that post. You might also remember the posts that followed- the anguish, the heartbreak, the sorrow.

I found out I was pregnant on Halloween, October 31, 2008. A sonogram on November 19, 2008 showed "fetal demise", or an embryo without a heartbeat. My miscarriage was most likely due to low progesterone that could've been caused by having taken Clomid in the previous cycle.

The miscarriage of Kieran, the name we gave our baby, broke me like nothing in life has ever broken me. I stopped eating, I got unbelievably angry at myself and my body and from there I began to care for my body better than I ever have (and that included eating again). Like a broken record I would say "I'm doing this to have a baby" as I worked out, as I fought working out, as I tamed my body to eat better, when I got too tired. That phrase just ran through my mind, almost in anguish. When I wanted to quit working out I would push myself by saying it over and over, even aloud. It DROVE me and kept me going the following weeks after my loss.

And it might be obvious what happened next considering I have a baby cradled in my arms as I type this. And that is how it all comes full circle. Just a week before the anniversary of finding out I was pregnant with Kieran is when Zoë was born. And she is turning 4 weeks old on the anniversary of my miscarriage. It doesn't always happen this way for everyone. Each person has their own unique story.

You may remember that before I became pregnant with Zoë I shared two names with you; the name we'd give our future son and the name we'd give our future daughter. And of course Zoë's name was one of them.

Zoë Beth means "Life; A Promise of God" or loosely translated as "A Promise of Life from God". And she is an answered prayer, my promise from God of new life. If I hadn't lost Kieran I wouldn't have Zoë. Likewise I wouldn't have my Abigail if I hadn't miscarried right before I got pregnant with her. That is not something that I could see from my place of darkness and torment. That is only something I can see now in retrospect.

Whatever dark place you may be in right now it is impossible to hear this but I will say it anyway--- THERE IS HOPE!

I also want to give a special shout out to two of my blog friends who've struggled with infertility and one with multiple miscarriages. They both just found out they are pregnant! ♥ GO GIVE THEM LOVE! ♥ And follow the journey to their bundles of joy:

Photogrl- just got her second beta result in and it is rising!
Jennifer (Hope Endures)- is pregnant after IVF with awesome numbers as well!!!

On a sad note:
Today I found out a high school friend has miscarried. I won't put her name here for her privacy but please say a prayer for her and her husband.


just me, dawn said...

praying for the 2 BFPS and for your friend who miscarried, such a journey we women go through (the men too)
I do always try and take the philosophy that all my steps have led me too my current journey whether they were light steps or heavy happy that Zoe is in your family, safe and healthy!

Morgan said...

I do the same thing when I'm sad- I stop eating.

With my first pregnancy, I was due in December. After finding out I was miscarrying at the end of my first trimester, I was devastated. Every single day I prayed for a child.

The ironic thing is that I conceived my oldest son (now 6) right around the time my first baby was due. It helped ease the pain quite a bit.

It is amazing to see how things work out in the end.

By the way, Zoe's pretty cute : )

Jewels said...

Full circle, indeed, Sis.
I love you!

Susan Sene said...

Isn't it awesome to look back on where God has brought you? I was thinking how different this Thanksgiving and Christmas will be compared to last year. Thinking of you during this difficult anniversary and praising Him for the new gift He's given.

Photogrl said...

Thank you SO much for the shout out!!!

I love how you put it, coming "full circle"...I'm hoping my circle will be complete next year.