I think the hardest part about being a mom is watching my kids grow.
But it's also the most enjoyable part.
Today as I watched Abigail toddle off, her curls shining in the sunshine, I soaked in her still-chubby arms and legs and immediately thought to myself how it won't be long before she thins out into a preschooler and eventually up to a slim, trim teenaged girl. I caught a glimpse of grace and poise, much like a dancer, as her Nonna walked her out of my line of sight. Maybe that's what started all of this thinking.
And I wondered in that moment, "I know who Abigail is now. But who will she be then?" I fought hard against this feeling of losing a piece of her (her babyness) and tried to remind myself how blessed I am to even be here to watch her grow. Don't get me wrong- I'm EXCITED to see who my kids become and part of me cannot wait to see what they take interest in.
As a parent you see every little wonderful and beautiful detail of your child's life. You know them like no one else knows them. You can tell if something is wrong because of a slight expression on their face, whereas no one else would be the wiser. You get to watch them change and morph from a helpless infant into a completely independent person. And you also have to eventually let them go and let them be individuals who can drive, go to work, pay the bills, have their own family...
Being a mom is hard; letting go day-by-day is hard. I often catch my words in my throat and just sit in silence, watching and waiting, instead of correcting and making them stay close. They're still in my vision at this age, but soon they'll exist in places outside of my realm of sight. I have to let go and I have to trust that they'll be safe without me there. And that is probably the hardest part of all- to trust they're safe when you aren't there to help prevent whatever catastrophe that could (but probably won't) harm them.
I guess I'm just feeling melancholy today. But today being a mom is hard. Hard because I don't want them to grow, at least not so fast. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be ready for them to be older and wiser. But today I want them to stay babies forever.