Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Week 23 & Nightmares!

When I say I'm 23 weeks along, it doesn't seem incredibly far along. Until I say, "Only 17 more weeks!"

I actually didn't mind that I was going to be pregnant during the summer. I can squish my swollen feet into flip flops and wear tank tops. But now that I'm starting to feel how incredibly and suffocatingly hot it is already I'm starting to wonder if my initial excitement was completely naive. Ha!

Still wearing the wedding ring. No swelling anywhere either, though I jokingly updated my Facebook status the other day to say, "I feel like my butt is pregnant too!" My bum just seems to be growing right along with the belly. Ahhh, but it's okay. I can work on losing that later. For now, I avoid cameras that catch the side or back of me. ;-Þ

So lately I've been having weird dreams- what pregnant lady doesn't? I'm so tired now I can't recall most of them. But last night I had a dream about the preschool Elaina is about to attend. And it put the fear of God into me. The very, very basics of the dream were feelings of inadequacy as a parent and a lot of rejection toward my daughter from the STAFF (not other children).

Of course when I woke up I started thinking about school. How am I going to do this? How have any of you done it- sending your baby off to school?! She has been with me all day, everyday since her birth (except when I gave birth to Abigail). I think Momma is going to have some separation anxiety.

My basic fears, after waking, were "What if she gets burned outside?" because they have a lot of field days outside, plus recess. Then "What if the kids reject her, push her off the playground, she pees/poops her pants..?" The list just goes on and on. So I got this mental list going of how I could somewhat help:

-apply sunscreen every morning before she goes to school and keep extra in her backpack
-pray everyday that she makes friends and no bullies push her off the playground
-put extra clothes in her backpack in case of accidents

School is ultimately going to be good for her. I just wonder about how her daily interactions will go. And I worry how she'll be when she gets back home (grouchy, irritable, not wanting to tell me things, etc.). I want to make this a fun and pleasant experience all around and I'm being a worrywart.

Okay, thanks for letting me vent. Any words of wisdom would be WONDERFUL, though I know most all of you have young children as well or are pregnant with firsts. Perhaps you have little nieces/nephews who went through the same thing.

THERE WAS JUST A HUGE CRACK OF THUNDER that scared the daylights out of me. I thought a dumpster blew up. Okay now I'm getting offline. Ha ha!

Zoe continues to bump and kick around. I still mostly feel her up high, by my ribs or down low (like, real low). I can even feel her when I'm standing up. Abigail likes to put her hand on my belly and say, "Zoe kick me, Mom!" in an excited voice, even though Zoe is not moving at all. Very cute!

Abigail also loves to come and just talk to Zoe throughout the day. And she has this thing where she will repeat something OVER and OVER again until you respond back. Well Zoe can't respond back. So Abby will just sit there and say, "Hi, Zoe! Hi, Zoe! Hi, Zoe! Hi, Zoe!" over and over while rubbing and patting my belly.

Elaina has started to not want to come feel Zoe when she moves. She gets too preoccupied in what she is doing. I think Elaina is starting to shutdown, too. She's been weird lately (probably why I started worrying all the more about school). I'm hoping this is just the, "My mom is about to have a baby and I'm acting out before she arrives" sort of thing. Every kid does it. I just want my kids to do it BEFORE we have a newborn.

She isn't jealous or angry or anything. I think that it's just taking too long for Zoe to arrive and Elaina has decided to push it to the back of her mind. Tonight at dinner she sighed and said, "It's a long time for Zoe to get here!" She still gets excited when I do some new decorating thing in the nursery or if we go play with Zoe's toys and she loves to brag to people about having a baby sister. It's hard to articulate exactly what she's doing because as her mom I notice the most subtle behavioral changes that others wouldn't otherwise notice.

Okay now I'm rambling. But I hope you get the gist of it.

Tomorrow I may post my TO DO LIST. I need to get that down so my brain can stop feeling so scrambled.


My Regular Voice said...

Ya I'm not looking forward to sending Max to school because I'll probably have lots of the same fears as you. Heck he is almost too big for his bassinet. Everyone keeps asking me if he sleeps in his crib yet, and the truth is.. I'm not ready to move him there yet. I like him close by on my side of the bed. I'm going to have to switch him very shortly to his crib. :(

Vixbil said...

On the school front, Bubbs is just about to finish his first year in school. He has come out of it pretty well. He still gets really tired by the end of term and the first term was really hard....beware for your child turning into a monster when they come home for the first few months...they have had to be good for so long in school when they get home they just LET RIP.
All in all, I can say I am so proud of him and how he has coped he has grown so much and MOST of the time really enjoys himself

Infertility is Hard said...

I can only imagine the anxiety you must feel sending your child off to school. I think it's a bit easier for women who worked outside of the home, because they are more used to it, but you've been blessed to be able to spend so much time with your daughters.

Just remember that you have raised a beautiful, smart, and thoughtful little girl. These attributes that you and your husband have given her will carry her through, and I have a feeling she will love school, being with friends, and all the learning she'll get to do.

Thinking of you. :-D

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

wow, youre so right! saying 21 weeks doesnt sound like much..unless you say only 19 weeks to go! OR LESS..I hope. :)