On an aside- I did take a test. It was BFN which I knew it would be. But actually seeing only one line, instead of two, really finalized the miscarriage for me. I held up the old positive tests with the new BFN test and I couldn't even muster a tear. I just felt sad. Not because I was hoping it was positive, but because I now know that it's over.
I have to admit I fantasized with the idea that perhaps it really didn't happen or I was one of those rare miracle things that happens. Oh well.
My now former doctor wrote me a letter back. It was so frustrating to receive the day after Christmas. Basically it said that she and the staff at blank-blank HealthCare provide excellent care and service to each patient. She also told me, at the end of the letter, that if I needed counseling to "deal with the miscarriage" to give their office a call. She also said that she'd "gladly" sign the transfer papers to a new physician (she was probably relieved to see me go, though that is an assumption).
I don't even have any more emotion left to give on that. Part of me wants to retaliate but I know it is futile. Nothing I say will matter. Doctors have to have tough skin because they're going to deal with tough patients. And lucky for her I have already left and she won't have to "deal" with me any longer. Whatever. I never called and bugged them unless I had a serious issue. They had absolutely no care or service to me as a patient and I gave them so much grace, even when I was angry with them.
Well it was good to vent about that. I'm so DONE and so relieved to be done with them. Until I received a bill from the new doctor. His care is a little more expensive. As it is I have quite a few medical bills I'm sitting on so part of me definitely doesn't want to get pregnant anytime soon. I can't handle the financial stress and burden of anymore medical bills. Why on earth does it cost over $60 to get my blood drawn or urine sample taken and have a little test strip dipped in it? Who comes up with these costs?
Okay, I'm done ranting. I've just been tired of all this madness. Opening a new bill everyday doesn't help. Getting a BFN doesn't help. Being crampy, moody, and bloated doesn't help either. Even Daniel told me today that he thinks AF is on the way to pay me a visit because of my MAJOR mood swings. The "old Joy" has returned, for any of you who know me IRL you'll know that that means the crabby dragon lady is back.
On a good note we finally decided on a name. After he got an upsetting email Daniel and I had a little breakdown together before Christmas, trying to deal with our emotions about a particular situation. We just talked about future babies, their names, the miscarriage and cried ourselves to sleep. But before we slept Daniel whispered through tears, "So did you want to name the baby?" And so I reminded him of the name and he started crying all over again. I thought he hated it or something and asked what was wrong. And he said it was beautiful and perfect.
God, please take care of our baby, Kieran, until we are able to meet with them in Your glorious heavens. I cannot wait to finally see if they would have been a boy or girl here on earth, though I know that when we finally meet that won't even matter. I wish I could've held them, seen them, breathed them in. Please give me peace as I wait for the day to come that I hold both of my little angels and am finally able to tell them that I think about them every day. But please, also keep that day far away as I care for the two sweet girls you've blessed me with here on earth.
I know that they know we love them and miss them. I know they've seen our tears and heard our cries. And God, I know they love me, too. Thank you for Your mercy and please continue to be with us as we move forward in this life, dreaming of the day we'll all be together again.
Alive in Our Hearts and in Heaven
10/31/2008 - 11/20/2008