Saturday, November 29, 2008

Love of a Stranger

Today I got a puzzling envelope in the mail. It looked like a card of some sort. Confused, I asked Daniel if he knew them as I started opening the card. I realized they were from my hometown so I thought maybe someone was getting married or having a baby shower?

I opened the card to find a beautiful poem about miscarriage and the story of a woman who has also had 2 losses and battles PCOS. I have to admit I carried the card around with me today. It meant so much to me and I want to thank you, dear stranger, for sending me such a beautiful card and poem, for crying and praying for us, for your testimony, and for your KINDNESS to a family who does not know you. You know who you are and I will send you an email sometime in the next few days (and no, it's not anyone on blogger).

During this time I've received many comments and emails from people. Two stick out to me the most, though I've cherished each and every message. Amber, I kept your comment in my inbox for a LONG time. This is what you told me:

I'm so sorry, Joy. And you are absolutely right... you don't need to hear that it wasn't God timing because in fact, it was. God timed out the conception of your little one and allowed him (or her) to be part of your life for a purpose, even if it was for a short time. Your baby is just as much a treasured child as Elaina and Abigail... and God was as purposeful in His creation of this little one as in your gorgeous daughters.

You have every right to grieve this loss because your baby counted in this world... that little life brought lots of people to their knees in the past few weeks. Keep trusting Him, girl. Above all, He is good. Even when it makes no sense.

Wow, powerful words. Words that lifted a burden from my heart when MANY others said, "It just wasn't this one's timing, better luck next time!" (yes, I really did get a few messages like that, but not here).

Someone on my medical forum even gave me their personal home phone number in case I needed anything or just needed to vent or cry (thanks, peekawho!). When I saw your phone number I broke down in sobs that yet another perfect stranger was willing to reach out in kindness. I'll never forget it!

And my sister wrote me a long email and here is an excerpt that had me bawling but also helped to heal this lonely heart:

I really, really do think of you all day long and I wish I could take all the bad away. I was washing off my dining table the other day, and thinking back over your life and about you losing this baby, and about when Mom was pregnant with you. I kept seeing your little cherub cheeks, shiny blue eyes and curly hair and I started crying. I realized that I feel for you the way I feel for my own daughters. Truly, I do.

I know I am not Mom. I guess I feel like I should take over for her and protect you now that she's gone, but I am frustrated that I don't know how to accomplish that. Even though you are my sister, and equal to me, I love you like one of my own. I never knew or comprehended that I was feeling that way---but it all made sense the other day. And I am so sad for you right now.

I think back to your babyhood and I can't believe all the time that has gone by. You are a grown woman with a family of your own and I am wondering where all the years went. And I feel it is so unfair for you to lose these precious, innocent little babies and that my own baby sister shouldn't have to experience this heartache. I don't have any magic words, any perfect Scripture verses, or poetic Hallmark cards for you. All I can offer is my prayers. Just know I am here for you...

I'm posting this without your permission, Jewels, but I hope you don't mind. I want it here, among the rest of comments and my posts. Your email meant so much more to me than I let on, but I-know-that-you-know-that-I-know-that-you-know that I'm just not great with sharing my emotions.

And everyone else- Mel, Marisa, Michaelle, Tasha, Andrea, Vix, and the countless others whom I haven't even had the pleasure of getting to know just yet... THANK YOU for being here for me.

Today is a better day. No tears, no sadness passing the baby aisle (okay, maybe a smidge), and just generally feeling like the rainstorm has passed. I'm actually even contemplating trying again in the near future.

Interesting coincidences- I found out I was pregnant on March 22nd before I miscarried Aaron. Bumble Bee was born March 24th the following year. If I were to get pregnant my next cycle we'd have a due date at the end of October (which is when we found out I was pregnant with this little one). Just saying IF. It might not happen, but I wouldn't put it past God!

Also, the bleeding officially stopped Thanksgiving Day. It would come and go, come and go for a week but finally stopped on T-Day. Daniel and I even tangled some sheets and there was no issue with that. But I'm a fast healer and never had issues post partum (after giving birth). Probably should've waited another week but we have no self control. How do you think Butterfly was conceived before marriage? Lack of self control. LOL! See? I made you smile!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Breakdown

So my last post? I was talking about how I was having a pretty good day. Well that all got shot to you-know-where once I was done typing it. I thought I was good enough to break out the G.oogle monster and start g.oogling stuff. I am a very curious person and I have to know the answers to almost everything or it drives me crazy.

I decided to G.oogle the phrases from the sonogram report: irregular sac and fetal demise.

Bad idea!

I ended up crying my little heart out to the point of almost hyperventilating. Apparently there are many words to describe a miscarriage. This is what it said about my experience:


Although a variety of terms are used to describe early pregnancy failure, in the presence of clear-cut sonographic evidence that a nonliving embryo is present, the term embryonic demise should apply.

So of course I get all hysterical. THIS WASN'T A CHEMICAL PREGNANCY. This wasn't a blighted ovum. There was an actual little baby that was "nonliving" (aka dead). Apparently the black mass that I saw on the sonogram was the SAC, not the baby.

The sac itself was a rugged, triangular shape (that's why I thought it was the baby--- I thought it was curled up in the fetal position).

This revelation of actually knowing that my baby wasn't just a mutated mass of cells (blighted ovum) brought so much comfort and sorrow at the same time. I knew this in my heart, I FELT it and the term "fetal demise" gave it away (my first miscarriage, I believe, was a chemical pregnancy). But to actually read, from a medical article, the term's description just broke me down.

Maybe there really was something wrong and getting the progesterone sooner wouldn't have mattered. I just don't know anymore. No matter what it still makes me sad. The only grateful part in all of this is that they won't have to suffer in this world.

So I went from being fine and dandy when Daniel left last night, to having him come home to a sad and forlorn wife. I felt bad but at the same time didn't care. I could tell it upset him and he told me as much, in a nice way.

We went up to bed early and cuddled. Those moments mean so much to me, just being held. In the whisper of darkness I asked Daniel about baby names. He gave this sigh of... impatience? Annoyance? Defiance? I have no idea. I think he just wants to bottle feelings up and move on and doesn't want me to keep rehashing this over and over. I just can't help myself.

I wasn't asking in an emotional way. I was completely calm, as if talking about what to make for dinner the next evening. I have come up with two gender-neutral names that really popped out at me. The first is not a name I would use for a real, live baby and the second name is beautiful but more feminine to me.

Haven- means SAFE PLACE and that's why I like it (for the meaning).

Kieran- means LITTLE DARK ONE (which made me think of the sonogram- my only glimpse into my pregnant womb of this little one).

Daniel wanted time to think about it. I really like both but especially Kieran. And no, I won't use both. Our last name ends with an "in" sound so it'd just be weird! And we gave our first Angel Baby only one name, so we'll do the same with this one.

I haven't decided what to plant (bush, tree, flowers?) in a memorial. I asked Daniel about doing a memorial service or something with just his parents and us but he said private was better because no one understands. I thought it'd be nice to have them there because I know they care and would want to be part of that. Or maybe they'll just watch the kiddos for us while we do it ourselves. I don't know. I just don't know. I. Do. Not. Know. I've been saying that a lot lately.

Okay I'm done boring you to tears with my information but I'm loving being able to vent and record all of this. Maybe one day I'll print it all off, make a memorial box, and tuck it in with my pee sticks and pregnancy journal (which I've found myself writing in still- I just can't help it... I'm writing letters to a baby that will never read them but it helps me cope and reminds me that all of this is very real).

*current weight loss is at 9 lbs. but still not enough for jean size down. And after Thanksgiving tomorrow I'll probably have it ALL back. Okay, maybe just some...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A Good Day

Can I say, with a sigh of relief, that I actually had a decent day today? Other than being really tired, I wasn't emotional. I guess "lack of emotion" is a better word because I'm exuberant either.

I had a surprise visitor stop by today. Daniel's little brother LOVES this dish that I make and wanted me to make it for Thanksgiving. Well I'm already making two dishes and didn't want to spend the extra money for ingredients for just one dinner.

So I told him that if he really wanted it I'd make it! BUT he had to go buy the ingredients. As I'm about to take the girlies upstairs for a nap, someone rings the bell. There is my bro-in-law on the step with a couple bags of groceries. I was puzzled at first (he didn't call before coming over).

When I saw what was in the bags I laughed! I honestly didn't think he'd want it SOOOO bad that he'd go to the store himself and buy the ingredients. So what's the dish? It's something my grandfather made and that man could cook! He won ribbons at fairs for his food.

Anyway, it's a Corn-Mac dish. All you need is macaroni noodles, Velveeta, can of corn, can of creamed corn and Ritz crackers. It SOUNDS gross but it is seriously really good. It's like creamy mac-n-cheese with corn and crumbled Ritz on top all baked together. I'm the type of person that likes to mix ALL of her food together and eat it. Each bite must have a little bit of each item.

Okay, now I'm getting hungry and I'm ready for Thanksgiving dinner now!

Did I mention I've lost weight? I've lost 6 lbs in the last 5 days. That will probably all change come Thursday but oh well. It's only one day of the year! I think I've lost weight because I just haven't eaten as much.

As a teen I had an eating disorder but even now that is weird to say. I never thought of it as a disorder. I just didn't eat breakfast because it made me feel ill if I did. I didn't eat lunch at school and I can remember that on the way home my stomach would always be growling. So I'd get home and eat (it was usually junk because my mom did the shopping).

I also walked 2-3 miles every single day (I had the cutest butt, seriously) instead of riding the bus home. I do not recommend doing what I did (with the eating- but do walk!). It wasn't intentional. I didn't do it because I thought I was fat or needed to lose weight. I did it because we didn't have money for school lunch. Believe me, I was hungry and wanted to eat!

For the past few days I've fallen into the same pattern (minus the walking--- I just clean the house like crazy). But today was different. I felt more like myself and have been making an effort to get the nutrients I need. Wow, it was really hard to say all of that and I almost wanted to delete it. But I'll leave it up because I hope that if anyone out there does have a serious disorder (not caused by recent trauma) that you know you have a friend here.

So that is up with me. I hope to do some catching up on everyones' blogs this weekend and see what is going on with the rest of you.

Monday, November 24, 2008

I'm not crazy!

Thanks to this website I've found that I'm really not crazy.


  • It is natural to feel despair and incredible, debilitating sadness. You may not want to get out of bed, talk to anyone, eat, or even breathe.

Yup, felt this one... I haven't wanted to talk to a single soul except Daniel and the girls. It's nothing personal, of course.

  • Anger is one of the natural parts of the grieving process. It is a healthy emotion right now and will get you feeling stronger. But it will probably not last. Anger usually gives way very quickly to sadness and despair.

I feel angry quite a bit it seems. But she's right, it always gives away to this overwhelming sadness.

  • Sometimes you will feel flushed with anger, and just as quickly you will be sobbing. You may feel like you are out of control. Maybe you want to smash things.

I ripped up a book and I really wanted to smash the blue elephant money bank that I've had waiting on my dresser for my future baby (which is hiding somewhere in the attic now to prevent me from smashing him).

I often think I'm just nuts and crazy and it is ridiculous to be this torn up over such an early loss. But the problem is that that was my baby, no matter how little. You constantly think of the WHAT-IFs and conjure up new scenerios, hoping that when you wake up it was all a nightmare.

One woman admitted to cradling her sono picture like a baby and I've found myself holding a baby doll like a real baby when my daughters bring me a doll to hold for them. I don't get all nuts about and think the baby is real. I just find myself being gentle and holding it very carefully as though real.

  • It may not get much better for a long time. There will probably be a time, about 3-4 months later, that it will actually get worse. Getting pregnant again may not give you the release from grief you seek. Just give yourself time and surround yourself with people who care and understand. Forget the rest of them, for now.

I hear this one! Especially about getting pregnant again because a new pregnancy would not replace the sweet angel you lost.

  • No one understands. You are right. Unless they have had a miscarriage (and fairly recently at that), people you talk to will not understand what you are going through. The average person will expect you to completely "get over" the miscarriage in about two weeks. This is about the point that things may actually get worse for you, when reality has set in, and you are failing to cope. Women suffer alone with miscarriage, and even the baby's father, your own mother, your best friend, or others you thought you could rely upon will fail you.

This is a hard pill to swallow because you want understanding and compassion from the people around you, but most of the time you're met with awkwardness because no one knows what to say, including me. Right now I really don't care about anything so I don't have anything to say (and no, not suicidal, though that is a very real emotion associated with loss as well. Just not one I've personally felt).

  • You will feel surrounded by babies and pregnant women. You will see reminders of your loss everywhere. This is something you are going to have to tough out.

I don't even have a comment on this one, really. I know that everywhere I go and everything I do has a reminder associated with it. My MIL made ginger cookies on Sunday, which immediately made me think, "Ginger helps with morning sickness..." But they were really good cookies and I didn't feel bad for my thought, just sad. The thing is, anything can remind you of your loss, whether someone says something or not, mostly because you actually find yourself looking for reminders, something to cling onto to to remind you that it was real.

And the best one...

  • You're a survivor, and sometimes survivors can't always act the way everyone else does.

So what goes on in the mind of a woman when she has lost a baby in early pregnancy? Just that--- she feels lost. She is easily distracted and lost in thought, often has this feeling that she has misplaced something and can't quite figure it out until reality once again bulldozes her.

Her mind flits from feelings of intense anger at the doctor, herself, her neighbor for giving her a strange look, to her child for unknowingly saying something insensitive... and then it flits back to this mask of sadness. It just envelopes you and ACTUALLY makes you feel like you can't breathe. It's like a fog about you that clings to you and suffocates you.

You don't want to smile, you don't want to eat. Everything that someone says is weighed as being sensitive or insensitive and you're very raw to the actions of the people around you. Anything can be a trigger to remind you of your loss. At times you may be laughing and having an amazing time with everyone but on the inside your heart is saying, "Why are you having so much fun when your little one is dead?" Even if a woman grieving looks happy, she's not on the inside.

But it's okay to laugh, which I do often. I also crack jokes constantly and just tonight we all went upstairs after dinner and laid on my bed and wrestled and played but I was still plagued with sadness and consumed with my thoughts. Each day really is getting better. I didn't cry once today (mostly because I feel numb today, which is part of the grieving process- feelings of denial). I'm just taking it one day at a time. I'm looking forward to tomorrow possibly being even better. And then the next day, then the next.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Each day is a little brighter

Each day has gotten a little easier. The laughter is a little easier to come by, the jokes and banter between Daniel and I flow, and I've been staying busy instead of hiding in a hole of despair.

Probably the worst thing I've been told during this time, though, is "At least you have your two girls". I just have to explain something even though I know those people didn't mean anything mean by it. While I am very, very blessed to have my two daughters they do not replace the pain and love that I have for the unborn life that my body rejected. I loved that child as an individual with their own personality, as someone who was my son or daughter. They already had a name and a place in our home. I grieve for them as a mother who will never get to see them, hold them, smell them, laugh with them or even know them.

And I just wrote the Dear John letter to my doctor. Can I just say that was very tiring and emotional? I mean I didn't bawl my eyes out or anything (I think I'm beyond that point of the grieving process--- I'm in the very angry stage right now). I will paste it to the end of this post for those interested in "proof-reading" it for me. I want to know if it sounds like something a sane person wrote and not by someone driven purely by their emotions.

Daniel and I skipped church today. I know, we're so bad! Okay, totally kidding. God knew where our hearts were. I find it is very hard to sit through a service without crying and snotting all over the place. Worship songs always strike a very emotional chord with me and I knew I could not keep it together. I just wasn't ready.

Well I have nothing else to say really. So here is the letter. I'm unsure about whether or not I should cut out the part that says I am not paying her for her services because I felt that I didn't even receive adequate care..? Which I feel they should totally waive the fees. If they did their job in the first place then I'd pay. If I go to a steakhouse and order a steak but the waiter brings me a side salad instead you can be assured that I am NOT going to pay $30 for a salad. I only pay for the services that I receive. Make sense? Or does it just sound petty and childish (okay, don't answer that question or I may cry--- just give me a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down on that part).


Dear Doctor B.,

I find I am in a very unfortunate position to be writing this letter. Many things have happened recently that have left me baffled, hurt, confused and angry. In my mind we were supposed to be a team fighting the PCOS and trying to conceive a baby but instead I felt entirely alone. If you felt, at any point, that you were unqualified you should have referred me to someone else.

My first issue is with the Metformin. I have called your office many times asking that the dosage be increased because it was not effective at 1000mg. I never got any calls back, ever. Instead a call was always put into my drugstore for the same dosage. In fact many times my calls are left unanswered or I'd wait for hours for a return call when I should have received an answer within an hour.

My second issue is with the Clomid. I felt I was left to my own devices while using this very dangerous drug. You yourself told me that there are no known long-term side effects associated with this drug, yet I was left to take it on my own, without ultrasonic monitoring or HCG trigger shots if they were necessary. My LH and FSH levels were not monitored while on this drug either.

My third issue is with this current miscarriage that I personally believe could have been prevented. Because I had taken Clomid I should have had the progesterone supplements in my possession the same day I called to tell your nurse that I was pregnant. Please know I understand you were on vacation but I also understand you kept in communication with your staff as well and you were well aware of my ongoing situation.

While I understand that miscarriages happen for reasons beyond anyone’s control, I am completely shocked by your lack of commitment to me as a patient, especially with my unique case of PCOS and ovulation issues. I am ashamed at the behavior of the staff at [the office name] for their uncaring and indifferent attitudes. I am treated as a nuisance instead of as a patient with care issues.

If I had had the progesterone when I first called to ask for it, I believe this could have been prevented. And if it still had not been prevented with early intervention from the Prometrium then I would release you from all responsibility. As it stands I feel you are completely to blame for the “fetal demise” of this unborn life and especially for your lack of patient care and communication.

All of this is to say that my husband and I are officially firing you and we will be finding a physician who is both knowledgeable and as eager to see us achieve and maintain a pregnancy as we are. One who is willing to try any approach to ensure our little one does not suffer and die while in my womb and has a caring staff that is willing to return phone calls and not make me feel like a fool.

Please know that I will not be paying any bills to you or to the lab at your office. I do not believe I received adequate care nor was I treated with honesty and respect. One such case being that I called for my final HCG levels and instead of getting a call back, I got “sad looks” from your nurse when I came in for the sonogram and I immediately knew that it was over even before I had to sit through that sonogram and fight back tears. I could’ve been spared that embarrassment and violation if your staff would return phone calls.

A copy of this letter and more detailed explanations will be sent to your director.

Told Elaina

So last night I told Butterfly. I told her that when we went to the doctor we were going to go see if the baby was okay. I told her the baby was sick so Jesus took them out of my tummy to go make them feel better. And I also told her that maybe one day the baby will come back.

Her response?

She just stared at me a minute. Then she picked up her necklace and said, "Don't break my necklace, Mommy. I just bought it from the store."

?

I told her it was okay to be sad, in which she told me she's not sad. Then she got up and started yelling down the stairs, "Daddy, come see my necklace!" By the way, that necklace is not new but she was pretty excited about it.

To her the baby is safe and being cared for and might be back someday. So she's not sad or upset and hasn't mentioned it since.

Yesterday I decided to start raking the leaves in our front yard. We have a massive amount of dead leaves littering the yard and I needed the physical exertion and the cold air. Being outside is refreshing to me. As a young girl and teenager I'd always rush outside and cry in the woods behind our house when I was feeling down or upset or to explore and play when I was happy. I practically lived in those woods.

There is just something about being in nature that clears your mind and heart and just allows you to open up yourself and be completely raw. Inside a stuffy house you have an appearance to keep up, distractions, your thoughts race instead of slow down, everything just seems more muddled.

So anyway, I needed to get out and rake. As I was raking up the leaves it was almost therapeutic. It was as though I was metaphorically cleaning out my womb as I cleaned up the ground. But I soon became desperate and my metaphor kept changing in my mind. I could not pick up all the pieces.

There were too many crumbled and broken leaves. I couldn't pick up all the pieces. I couldn't clear out the entire yard completely and perfectly. If a wind blew, leaves would scatter to a cleared area in the yard and more leaves would fall from above.

The metaphor morphed into this feeling that I was trying to rake up all the broken pieces of my heart but no matter how desperately I tried I just couldn't pick up all the pieces. I was too tired to even cry. The thoughts just kept going through my mind over and over.

Finally it was noon and I hadn't eaten anything. I felt weak, defeated, and I ran out of bags. So only half the yard got picked up but it doesn't matter. Leaves are scattered all over again. I don't know if I'll be able to pick up all the pieces, not by myself.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Rambling

I've already lost a few pounds in the last couple of days. Nothing noticeable, by any means, and it's probably because I keep forgetting to eat. It's now 8pm and I just realized I hadn't eaten dinner (we always eat dinner at 5).

Today we also went to the store. Bumble Bee needed more diapers and I needed some envelopes for my business. I about near had a panic attack going to get those stupid diapers in the baby section. I had to stare at Daniel's back and of course he kept lolly-gagging and didn't realize that I was about to hyperventilate so I sped past him, keeping my eyes on the floor. It's just early.

I KNOW this will pass and I will no longer feel this suffocation when I see babies and baby-related items and pregnant ladies. But this is only day #2 and I should've just sent Daniel to get the diaps himself. I have no problem reading pregnancy blogs, especially of my friends, but complete strangers--- it just sends a pang of hurt into my heart. Not because of the ladies themselves. It's just a reminder that I'm no longer a part of THAT club. I can't even touch my stomach.

I'm one of those ladies that will hold and pat her pregnant belly almost constantly. So it's no surprise that I catch myself reaching to hug my stomach and then pull away in horror. *SIGH* It will get better. I know it will.

Anyway, at the store I kept trying to tell Daniel how badly I wanted to just go back home. But of course I forgot to put a prescription in when we first got there so we had to spend another 30 minutes wandering around (prescip for the M.etformin, which I got 90 pills for $6!!!). I also have to mention that the $188 bottle of P.rometrium (progesterone)? I got a refund of $153 because Daniel didn't run it by my insurance first since we were all freaking out when he went to go get it. So that was nice.

I was just telling Michaelle that I had no problem paying almost $200 for pills when I thought I was trying to save a life but now it feels like I'm paying all of these bills for nothing. I have nothing to show for them.

Thank you for all of your responses regarding my doctor situation. I tried to be fair in my assessment of them and just present the facts. Note I said tried. I know there's a highly hormonal and emotional part riding behind it. I decided that one-on-one is NOT going to work for many reasons. I'm too emotional, I'm bad at confrontations, I absolutely hate telling someone everything that I think is wrong with them, etc. So I'm just going to write a letter. I'm going to send two copies- one to my doctor and one to her director. She is definitely fired.

It's really a shame, too, because when I was pregnant with Bumble Bee I thought I had hit the jackpot of doctors. I don't know what happened but I'm not sticking around to try and figure it out. I went through 3 or 4 doctors to find this one when I had Bumble Bee.

But I also have to mention Bumble Bee's birth. The crud hit the fan when she was actually born (the prenatal care was awesome). Bumble Bee's right clavicle (collarbone) snapped when she was born. When she came out she just laid there, as if asleep, for 10-15 seconds and then just started screaming. I remember thinking, "Oh no, my baby is going to be a baby I can't console! She's a crier!" I was freaking out in my head. Then I thought she sounded like she was in pain. So did Lindee (MIL).

Lindee brought it up to the nurse cleaning Bumble Bee up and she brushed it off, crooning in Bumble Bee's face, "All the babies cry! She's fine! She's just mad!" My doctor did not catch the break, neither did the nurses, no one thought she was crying differently. But Lindee and I both knew something was wrong. Bumble Bee calmed down when they put her on the warming bed so we all put the thoughts aside. Maybe she really was angry about being born!

The next day the pediatrician came to check her out. He said, "Did you know her collarbone is broken?" I was in shock. I didn't even know what to say. My doctor comes by later and tells me, after just having given birth, "Next pregnancy we'll do a c-section so this doesn't happen again." I just stared at her. I'm not opposed to a c-sec in an emergency situation whatsoever. But don't come and tell me, after I just gave birth, about that!

At my 6-week postpartum checkup she brought it up again. Only this time she said, "We'll induce you 2 weeks early instead." Ugh, first not pregnant anymore and just gave birth! Honestly the reason Bumble Bee's collarbone broke was NOT because of her size. It was because she had her right arm clear across her body, holding the left side of her face when she came out. It was the angle.

By the way, Bumble Bee turned out fine. They don't do anything for broken collarbones; you just have to be gentle. She did develop torticollis in her neck (she'd always have her head tilted to one side and she'd never turn it the other way). And she had 2 or 3 sessions of physical therapy because of that, which is GOOD. Most kids stay there for months or years. I was just very in-tune with Bumble Bee and knew when something was wrong so we caught it early. Her pediatrician didn't even notice her head-tilt until I said something.

I'm in a very rambling mood. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do now. I'm a planner. I know I only miscarried just yesterday but I like to have goals. I never go by my goal-line really but I like to have the list in front of me. Do I find a new OBGYN or do I find a specialist? Do I even wait for all of that since I'm not sure if I want to get pregnant again in the first place? So many questions, so much time to figure it out. I at least need someone to help me with the PCOS issue. I want that GONE (it is possible to get rid of it, but recurrences are normal too).

The bleeding has actually almost stopped. I was spotting a tad after the sonogram, miscarried yesterday, and woke up with just spotting and scant bleeding. There's more mucousy stuff than blood (like after you've given birth). Okay, even I am making a face of disgust as I type all of this so I don't blame you if you do too! The AWFUL cramps and back pain stopped last night around 9 pm, too. Every now and then I feel a stab of pain but it's not constant anymore.

I wrote in my pregnancy journal last night. I'm in a better state of mind at the moment so I can recount this without breaking into pieces. I just told the little one I was sorry and I wished I was more persistent. I told them I felt responsible for not speaking up more. As I wrote that last letter I broke down and set it gently in my dresser (yes, I know I keep a lot of stuff in there but I promise my journal and pee sticks are the only non-clothing items!).

I had to buy more p.ads today and when we got home I tossed them up the stair landing so I'd remember to take them to the bathroom. I just stood there and stared at them and the thought flashed in my mind, "I shouldn't have had to buy these for 7 or 8 more months."

I want to memorialize my two angel babies. When we moved here I already thought of planting something for the first. Maybe Daniel and I can make a little garden and find some little statues. It will just have to be really special and I'll know the statues when I see them. I saw one angel statue at our antique mall (maybe you remember it, Anne, it was in that booth where you got a lot of stuff for Pink's room). I thought it was perfect but I never bought it and it's probably not there anymore. I'll probably go there tomorrow and look! We named our first loss (Aaron) but I have no idea about naming this one.

Anyway, I could go on and on and on and on. Oh and can I just say my arm is still bruised from the last blood draw? She was gentle and it didn't hurt. I wonder why this one bruised and the others didn't?! I just saw how long this is. This is the mother of all posts. I've never posted one so long before. Sorry!

Someone To Blame

I know that when you lose someone, whether a pregnancy or a parent or someone you love, part of the grieving process is ANGER and you want to lash out at someone and find someone to blame. The thing is that I'm not looking for someone to blame or to push all of this responsibility on. I really and truly feel that my doctor was NOT on top of things. Read past posts (and Mel's comments--- she already fired my doctor in the last one).

First of all, I have a fertility issue in which she prescribed Me.tformin. She refuses to increase the dosage even though I'm taking the bare minimum (1000mg) and it's not having any effect at all. That, or her nurse doesn't even talk to her when I call to ask about it.

Second, she gave me Cl.omid and did not monitor me while I was on it (it says on the label that a doctor must monitor you throughout your cycle while taking it). I've seen other women who weren't monitored so I thought nothing of it but then realized my doctor is NOT a fertility specialist.

Third, when I called to even tell her I was pregnant I wanted to be on progesterone right away (because of the previous cycles using Clomid--- it can thin out the uterine lining). No one got back with me. I find out she's on vacation and will be back in a week.

The nurse taking over told me if prog. goes below 15 THEN we'll supplement. When it went below 15 they refused to give me a prescription for the progesterone supplements until I started bleeding (believe me, I ASKED for it) and it was an on-call doctor who prescribed it; not my regular OBGYN. By then it was too late. My levels had already started to drop.

Am I just crazy? Am I just LOOKING for someone to b---- at and blame? Or do I really have a sound case here that I need to address? I just woke up from a terrible nightmare about all of this so I'm probably a little more emotional. I just can't get it out of my head that the sono tech wrote, "FETAL DEMISE" on my report. Who is responsible for my baby's "demise"? I've already written my doctor a Dear John letter in my mind.

This wasn't supposed to happen. It just wasn't. How can you try for so long, decide to move on from it, and then get pregnant? Then have that all stripped away? The agony I am in is indescribable. I know I was only 7 weeks but in my mind this was supposed to be my son or daughter. I was already dreaming of their birth, of holding them, of placing them in the bassinet that is now sitting empty in the attic. The 4th of July happens to be my favorite holiday because it reminds me the most of my mom. Now it is going to be filled with even more sadness, in that respect.

So yesterday I had a To Do List. I wanted to stay busy. Unfortunately I couldn't do it all. The pain become so unbearable (I didn't take any pain reliever until 6pm) that I could only sit and whimper after doing quite a bit. Think labor pain, only not AS painful. Anyway, on my To Do List I was going to take upstairs all the baby stuff I had dragged to Bumble Bee's closet.

I was going to go through it, sort it. During the joyous time of this pregnancy I would look through the boxes and daydream. During the confusing and fearful time I'd sob and hold onto the sweet little stuffed treasures I'd carefully picked out. Now I avoid her closet like the plague and if I need something in there I keep my eyes up and away from where the boxes and packs of diapers still lay. I opened the newborn size diapers weeks ago and showed Butterfly how tiny they were compared to Bumble Bee's diaps.

The pregnancy tests are still in my u.nderw.ear drawer. I can't even bare to open the drawer but since I need to everyday I just quickly open and grab up something and slam it shut without looking inside. I am not ready to pack those up and move them, or to throw them away. There were a few times that I reached in and just held them without looking at them, clutched in a fist. That's probably what kills me the most. Re-living the appearance of that second line! How shaky, nervous, thrilled, and excited I WAS just makes me all the more bitter.

And my pregnancy journal that I started. Already filled up many pages of notes, dreams, ideas, letters to the little one. I can't read it, but I did add an extra entry last night even though there's no one that will cherish it as their own now. No one to read it except my daughters who shouldn't have to read about their mother's anguish.

Daniel doesn't want to tell Butterfly because he knows she'll repeat it over and over. It's not about her telling anyone. He says he doesn't want to hear her little voice say over and over, "Our baby is with Jesus" or whatever she'd say. Last night I had to hold him as he cried. He held each of our daughter's as tears rolled down his face. Butterfly said to him, "I'm not sad. Mommy didn't yell at me. I'm not sad." It made us both laugh.

So the other night we watched Stargate Continuum to distract ourselves and had lots of laughs at all the antics and inside jokes. It's when you get upstairs to get ready for bed and you're just laying in the dark that you're assaulted with so many dark thoughts. I'm really, REALLY good at looking fine and content on the outside if I need to (think: self preservation in social circles) so I'm sure to anyone dropping by they'd be none-the-wiser. It feels good to have a place to say all of this, even if no one reads all of the words. I know it's really long-winded.

Thank you again for your prayers and encouragement. I read each and every single comment, though I have not commented back to anyone, and each of them is very touching and cherished.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Stopped Progesterone

Obviously after having the sonogram yesterday my last progesterone pill was taken in the morning. Not even 24 hours since taking that last pill the miscarriage started and I've already passed the black mass we saw on the sonogram (that I think was the embryo breaking up into pieces). I am in excruciating pain and it just now occured to me that I can take a pain reliever (I don't take ANYTHING when pregnant if I can help it). I guess the progesterone was just slowing the process down.

I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, go anywhere or stay here, I don't want to do Sunday, I don't want to go to Thanksgiving. As stupid as it is I am so embarassed and humiliated and ashamed. If you've never had a miscarriage then you won't understand those feelings but they're very real even if they don't make sense.

I just don't want to face the awkwardness of people not being able to look at me or say anything, or have people tip-toe around the subject. Of course I am just so tired of it all that I don't want to talk about it either. Anytime I do open my mouth to say anything I think I shock Daniel into silence. I am not a very nice person right now.

Some people can go on and get pregnant without a hitch and I used to think I was one of those blessed people who could get pregnant at the drop of a hat and nothing goes wrong. This is the 2nd loss and it did not matter how much I begged and pleaded with God to save this one. I don't get it! I guess I never will in this lifetime either. I just don't understand why it happens to ME! Our entire family is very fertile yet I'm the only one, it seems, who keeps losing. That's not to discount how blessed I AM to have two gorgeous daughters in any way.

In another sense part of me is a little relieved that this is over. Is that silly? I know it doesn't make sense. I told Daniel that in the car on our way home from the u/s yesterday and he was stunned. It wasn't that I didn't WANT the baby. I was just relieved to have a final answer, a conclusion, and a reason for this on-and-off again bleeding that I staved off with my "bedrest" and progesterone pills.

Someone on my forum reminded me of Job and that helped put some things in perspective in a way. But honestly I don't care if God thinks I'm a strong person who can handle this over and over. I don't WANT to go through this again. Ever.

Ironically enough I've had more sales in the past 2 days than any other days my shop has been open. It is keeping me busy and focused on something else, though no amount of money in the world can erase the sadness from my eyes.

I shouldn't even have to be writing about this. I should be squealing in delight over a sweet little heartbeat. Instead I keep re-watching the sonogram in my mind, silently pleading for a little flash to appear to signify the heart was beating away but ending up only seeing a black nothing sit in a dark, empty, dead womb.

I hate my body now more than I ever have in my life. As early as I was I was sporting a little belly that was actually quite firm. When I woke up yesterday morning, before the ultrasound, I noticed it felt "deflated" and I wasn't bloated anymore. I guess Billy Blanks and I will just have to rekindle our relationship in front of the TV every morning in the next week. Yup, my mind has already switched gears to that.

And I just want to take a moment to thank each of you for your words. Even if you said you didn't know what to say, it made all the difference to me that you even care to continue reading this and follow my journey. The journey isn't over by any means but there's definitely other areas to focus on right now.

I have heard so many stories the past night and afternoon of hardships worse than my own and my heart goes out to each and every single one of you as well. It's like one big Sad Club of Heartache or something. But I'd love to check my membership at the door and get out... don't we all? It's definitely one club I don't want to belong in.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

So which scenerio played out..?

You might be surprised to know that neither scenerio played out like I imagined. They never really do. I was so nervous all day before the appointment that I was shaky and felt like I was going to puke. We got to the doctor's office and I felt a smidgen better. Something about hospitals always makes me feel calmer.

Anyway, got into the ultrasound. The tech was rushing around and you could tell she was busy. Had to do the vag. ultrasound, which I hate with a passion. She didn't turn the screen away from me and we were only there for about 5 minutes.

I knew what was going on before she even said a word. Just a really weird shaped sac with a huge black mass of tissue and clots. When she said, "It doesn't look good" I could only whisper, "I can tell." It was then the tech stopped rushing and she actually looked as though she'd cry too.

No heartbeat, not even a discernable embryo. When she thought my back was turned I saw her type out, "Irregular sac. Something-something-something FETAL DEMISE." Those last two words will read through my mind for a long time.

So. No more baby and at this point I do not want to go through this again. The elation, then the confusion and fear, and finally the anger and broken heart. Just don't want to put myself through this again. I feel like a total failure and completely defective while at the same time understanding it was nothing I did.

But I DO feel that I should have gotten the progesterone sooner when it FIRST started falling or when I first called them to say I was pregnant. I know it can fluctuate throughout the day but seriously! I have a fertility problem and had taken Clomid in the previous cycles!

I guess there's no point in re-hashing it. I have a ton of progesterone pills left over and I'll just take them if I end up pregnant again. Which, by the way, would not be because we are trying because I never want to try again. If it happens, it'll happen and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I have so much more to say and vent and get out but at the same time I have nothing to say. It's just one big jumble of crazy thoughts, what-ifs, and shattered dreams.

And I especially don't want to hear that it wasn't God's timing. I've heard enough of that. I get it.

I told you I hate November.

Now I'm just sitting here waiting to bleed out my precious baby.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Eager to hear the results..?!?!?!?!

Well I am, too!

Yup, they never called.

Bummer! Okay, more than "bummer". I'm one ticked off lady. Perhaps the results just didn't come in. I don't think they put a rush on this one because it was a lady I had never seen before (a lab tech instead of a nurse) who took my blood. She probably didn't realize that this particular information was crucial.

Oh well. I don't even want to feel bummed out so I'm going to distract myself. At least there will be an ultrasound tomorrow. I have butterflies DANCING in my stomach. I keep envisioning two scenerios.

In the first scenerio the screen is turned away from me. Then the tech turns it toward me with a grin and says, "We have a heartbeat!"

In the second scenerio the room is eerily silent. The screen is kept turned away the entire time. Then the tech leaves the room to go get a doctor... which is always bad news.

I keep pushing the second scenerio away.

Part of me is actually relieved to not get the beta results. It's one more day of being ignorant to what is going on. One more day of blissful ignorance.


On another note, I've been meaning to tell you guys about something but I keep forgetting. The night that I got the results that my HCG plummeted I was bawling and incredibly upset. I went up to my room, just wanted everyone to leave me alone.

Well Daniel's mom called and as she was talking to Daniel I kept thinking in my mind, "It's a miscarriage all over again. God didn't save that baby. He didn't save my mom. WHY would He help me out this time? It doesn't matter how hard I beg and plead, He'll do what He wants!"

As I was ranting in my mind, my MIL told Daniel to give me the following verse. She felt it was from God and she had NO IDEA what was going on in my mind. Read and be amazed...

18 "Do not call to mind the former things or ponder things of the past. 19 "Behold, I will do something new. Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.
-Isaiah 43:18

Doesn't it make you just want to cry? I'm crying just remembering it. Little, insignificant me, arguing with the God of the Universe in my mind... He cares enough to send this message through someone I care about. Does it not just amaze you?! It's things like this that give me hope. It is things like this that make me believe I'll see a heartbeat tomorrow.

When Daniel came upstairs and said, "I have a verse for you that God gave my mom..." I actually rolled my eyes, crossed my arms, and hung my head waiting. At that point I was all cried-out. But the moment he opened his mouth to read I just burst into more tears. How can I ignore such a powerful and clear message? It still amazes me to think about! This was speaking DIRECTLY to my current thoughts and wasn't just a verse that was chosen by someone who THOUGHT it might help. It was God speaking! Amazing!

Monday, November 17, 2008

"I just can't do ANYTHING!"

This is what I said when I came pounding down the stairs after my grocery store trip. Late this morning my mom-in-law took me to get my blood drawn. She drove our minivan and we took the kiddies with us. Daniel drove her car to work for the day.

So we make a stop at Anne's house so the kids can play (they hadn't seen each other in 2 weeks!) and to catch up. Then my MIL brings us home and puts my kids in bed as I have been trying to not pick them up.

I had strict orders to call when they woke up so she could come back and get Bumble Bee out of the crib. She lives 5 blocks away so we didn't wait long for her to come back.

Well we desperately need groceries. We didn't even have a slice of bread as I wanted everything eaten up before I went to the store again. Daniel gets home, exhausted and in pain, so I tell him to stay with the girls and I'll go to the store myself.

Bad idea. Really, really bad idea. It wasn't driving, it wasn't picking up a can and putting it in the cart. It was the walking and pushing, I think. By the time I checkout 1 1/2 hours later I knew that I'd be spotting when I got home.

Sure enough I run up to the bathroom and come stomping back down the stairs to announce that I can't do ANYTHING anymore. I just can't. There's got to be something going on. Maybe a pool of blood, maybe the placenta if it is formed yet, the cervix... I don't know!

The spotting stopped, as I knew it would, the moment I laid down and just stopped doing anything. I didn't think getting groceries would be that difficult.

On a lighter note we got to watch C.huck and H.eroes and that was fun! I will have my blood results tomorrow (Tuesday) and I have a good feeling about them! I just do. And I'm praying that I'm not wrong!!!


P.S. I cannot wait for my "babystrology" thing on the left sidebar to start looking more baby-like!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Back from mini-vaca

It was so nice getting away from life for a night! While it was tough on the kiddos around bedtime (will explain on my other blog) it was so fun to stay in a hotel. It was a nice hotel, too!

I was nervous about leaving town because I didn't know what I'd do if something happened. I guess being at a church surrounded by love would be better than being home alone. This church is really awesome (Daniel was the guest worship leader, his dad the guest preacher). They are SO laid-back. I can't even begin to describe how cool their pastor is at this church. He's not into Christianese (speaking in a language that unbelievers don't understand--- "I'm born again and Spirit-filled. Jesus has raised me from the dead and set me on a firm rock!")

And this pastor just lets people BE who they are. There's no pressure, no fake smiles, no acting. Just real, hardcore Christians.

So anyway, no bleeding anymore. Had a bit of spotting the other day but only because I kept doing "too much". Daniel practically has to hog-tie me to lay down and not pick up my other precious children.

I must admit I have enjoyed not changing diapers or doing the dishes or vacuuming. But not at the expense of my sanity in wondering what is happening deep inside my womb.

I keep envisioning God's hands cupping my womb, keeping the little one safe. That's what helps me get through each day and night. It is all in His hands. I also envision Him blowing life-giving breath between His cupped hands, the little heart beating away.

I'm still praying for miracles. I really want to have this miraculous testimony, with a happy ending. All glory would go to Him because I have nothing to do with it except to consistently take the P.rometrium. That's my part!

Tomorrow (Monday) is the blood draw and results Tuesday.

You know, the last results I got, where my HCG plummeted, my actual doctor called and not the nurse (first time that happened and I was shocked to hear her voice). The doctor sounded like HERSELF, kind and concerned. I don't know what was up the other night but I'm glad I didn't blow up at her or switch doctors in anger. Everyone is entitled to grace.

Well I'm off to unpack our suitcase (don't worry, no lifting!) and to work on some jewelry. I cannot wait to post a POSITIVE update Tuesday. Keeping positive and optimistic!

Friday, November 14, 2008

I hate November

In 2006 I found out I was pregnant and due in November. I lost that baby at around 6 weeks.

My mom's deathiversary is tomorrow, November 15th.

And today, on November 14th I'm told my HCG plummeted to 3,000 (from almost 7,000) but my progesterone is 175. My doctor didn't want to say that I was miscarrying because she felt it could go either way. That the drop in progesterone caused a drop in HCG and because I'm supplemented now it may rise again.

Monday is yet another blood draw, and Wednesday an ultrasound.

There are no words to express how I feel and I'm sure if you saw how raw my face was you'd have an inkling. I was ready to stop trying, to move on with the next chapter in my life and out of nowhere I get pregnant and was so elated. Nothing could wipe the smile from my face until now. Have I given up? No because there is always hope. But I'm completely frustrated and angry and I just want to see into my body, to see what is going on.

When I think there are no more tears another torrent comes. I know the pills are helping me to cry a lot more easily and I wish I didn't feel like my heart was breaking. I know I can handle a loss but I keep thinking of Butterfly and how excited she was. What am I going to do? What if something happens? What am I going to say to this little girl who prayed to Jesus almost every night for a brother?

I'm off to do some research in hopes of finding hope. Regardless of what I find I know our God is a God of miracles. He can do anything and right now I'm asking Him to show us mercy and breathe life into this body.

Flabbergasted!

Daniel let me sleep in. He got the girls dressed, DID THEIR HAIR (can we all gasp?!), fed them, put them in the car, and they're out and about today. He took them to lunch and to the store. Can I just say that this man has never been out of this house with both of his children by himself?

I'm going to post an update in a bit with my blood draw results. Stay tuned...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Still Around

I'm still here! I got many emails and I can't respond to all of them because I don't want to sit here for too long so no hard feelings if I don't respond! We don't have a laptop and Daniel wants me to update and get off! He's being really strict (AND SWEET) with me. Nothing could make me love a man more than one who makes me lay down, brings me whatever I want, takes care of the children and CLEANS. Oh yes, I told him he was going to get lucky one of these days and I was adding up all the points.

*ahem* Anyway, last night I did spot a little tiny itty bitty bit. I never had a drop of blood when pregnant when my girls so this is all very scary but I'm relieved that it is STOPPED.

I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I'm pregnant anymore, even though I've donned maternity jeans already. I'm being so fatalistic and I must stop. Unfortunately some of the side effects with the pills are irritability and worry (I may have mentioned that already). So I keep telling myself, "Perfect love casts out all fear".

There is also a verse in the Bible that says, "None shall lose her young by miscarriage or be barren in your land." -Exodus 23:26 (Amplified) So I am clinging to this verse and repeating it over and over.

Last night I bawled myself to sleep. All the worrying and wondering and waiting caught up to me and I just sobbed and kept pleading and begging God to not take this one away, too. The anniversary of my mom's death is this Saturday, too, so I just feel all this darkness and heaviness this week already.

But I'm going to look on the brighter side! I'm not giving up. I may only be 6 weeks but God knows this child and has a perfect plan for them!

So I have to brag on Daniel some more. This man has been SuperMom all day long. He stayed home, he made me lay down alllllllll day long (except for when his mom came to take me to the lab), he brought me water and food, he gets ANGRY if I lift anything!

At one point Bumble Bee is crying and my natural reaction is to pick her up. Daniel is so very protective of his unborn baby and tells me that he'll handle it because he doesn't want anything to happen. He also cleaned the kitchen and did all the dishes (they piled up for the past couple of days since I was off-duty), he made dinner, he gave the girls a bath and brushed their hair and put them to bed. He played with the girls, and he stayed off his videogames until they were napping/sleeping.

He's been a trooper and deserves some TLC! So Daniel AND his mom have put me on bedrest. My MIL asked me if the doctor mentioned laying down with my feet and hips elevated and when I told her, "No" she pursed her lips and had "that look" on her face that showed her displeasure (you know what I'm talking about, Anne!).

So we're praying that my HCG levels are up to 14,000 and progesterone is rising! Will have results tomorrow! I'll be out of town Sat. and Sun. but I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Please don't stop praying!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Doctor woes

I just called the on-call doctor, which happens to be my doctor, because I'm reading up on P.rometrium and it says NOT safe or intended for use during pregnancy. I wanted to voice my concern.

Well my doctor, who is usually sweet and concerned, sounded annoyed and irritated with me. Yeah, it's not exactly an emergency but it's not that late either and I'm sick of speaking to the nurse and wanted to speak directly to my doctor. She just kept saying, "Unfortunately there's nothing we can do."

So I asked if an ultrasound would be ordered and she only said, "We'll see." UGH!!! What is everyone's problem lately? Am I just hormonal and blowing it all out of proportion?! Doctor did sound like she had been crying or sick or something on the phone, not her usual self. I want to give people the benefit of a doubt.

But now I'm embarassed to even go in and see her. I don't want to be one of "those" patients that calls and freaks out over everything. But as long as I'm paying the big bucks for care I better get it, right? Gosh, I'm just one lovely person lately, I know.

There was a huge, long pause on the phone and I just said, "I guess that's it" and she said, "Okay, see you later." We both hung up. I'm just so frustrated and helpless. Stupid crazy pills are making me crazier. And now I'm crying again.

Update on Bleeding

Last night, after I posted, Daniel came home and his mom decided to come over and help me with the girls. I feel like such a defective piece of crap, excuse the language. Anyway, she had me lay down with my hips propped up on pillows. That actually helped stop the bleeding long before I got the prescription.

The blood itself was dark red and pink, it was not bright red. No clots, no cramps, no back pain. So I actually did not have any of the regular symptoms associated with miscarriage.

The worst part was that I was expecting this. I never voiced this, though, because I believe in speaking LIFE, not death, so I kept this in my secret heart. I kept waiting for week 6 because I felt something was going to happen. When I got my progesterone results back I was incredibly concerned and knew it was going to get worse, not better. I just KNEW that something would happen before Thursday and that if we waited until Thursday it would be too late.

When I had finished writing my lab result post and after messing around on the computer some more, I got up to go pee. Before I even got to the restroom I said to myself, "I'm bleeding... I know it!" And sure enough, I was. I started whimpering and bawling and my little girls kept saying, "You cry?" I kept trying to stop so they wouldn't see me like that. I just told them I didn't feel good, which wasn't a lie.

I threw the u.ndies on the dryer and poured hydrogen peroxide all over them (which my husband AND MIL saw later when they were helping finish up the laundry for me--- so embarassing, but oh well! They both saw me in all my glory when I gave birth to Bumble Bee).

It pays to trust your instincts. My instincts are right about 90% of the time and even though I was getting excited and staying positive there was a dark place in my mind that I tried to stay away from. But I'm very glad to say that the quick action on the on-call doctor's part may have helped save this little one's life.

And if this little one has already passed then I can only keep glorifying God or pray He brings the little one back to life. I don't think it is coincidence that the names I currently have picked out are CAIDEN (which means SPIRIT OF BATTLE) or ZOE (which means LIFE).

So if you're a little Caiden, please keep fighting and don't give up!
And if you're a little Zoe, please oh please live up to your sweet name and LIVE!

I just put a call in to my regular doctor and am waiting to hear back to see if an ultrasound is in order or if we'll just do the blood test Thursday. I'd prefer an ultrasound where I can see the little heart beating away. But I'll wait to see what they have to say.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Bleeding

Not even an hour has passed since my last post. I started bleeding (not spotting, but bleeding). There are no clots but I'm absolutely horrified and upset and I'm bawling. I put a call into the on-call doctor tonight and she gladly gave me a prescip for P.rometrium (progesterone). She says she's confident that it will help, especially since my HCG looks good. But I still can't escape this suffocating feeling that things are just going downhill.

Progesterone Dropped

The results are in from yesterday's blood draw. My HCG is beautiful at 6935, which is close to quadruple and just perfect for where I'm at. But my progesterone dropped from 16.4 to 13.6.

My regular nurse is back from vacation. The previous nurse I had been dealing with told me if it went under 15 to supplement. My regular nurse is telling me that it looks fine and if it dips again, THEN we'll supplement.

All of this has me in a ball of electric nerves. After thinking about it I've decided to call her tomorrow and just request the supplements because I'd rather be safe than sorry! It's just getting too close to 10 (which is BAD and will cause you to miscarry).

I know that progesterone can fluctuate throughout the day and maybe we caught it at a low, but I still want to be safe and just do the supplements. I didn't get this far only to have everything taken away.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Kiss and Make Up

Well, well, well... I left a lovely voicemail for the nurse. And we got into a bit of a heated argument when she called me back. She said that she faxed my paperwork and had the confirmation page. Oh.

Well now I'm ticked off at the LAB for losing my papers. *SIGH* I apologized and she apologized and we just made up. I asked if she still wanted me to get my blood drawn and she said YES but instead of sending me across town to the incompetent lab, she told me to just come in to the doc's office and she'd do it herself.

Now I don't know why I didn't just get my blood drawn at the office before, but whatever. I'm beyond asking questions, just wanted to get it over with, and it was closer than the lab. I think that the lab is only open Tues and Thurs and that she isn't the actual lab person but drew my blood anyway, whether she got in trouble or not. Heck, doesn't matter to me so long as I get the results!

She also gave me "proof of pregnancy" letters in case I wanted to use them to apply for W.IC and M.edicaid. I'm going to go ahead and apply because every little bit helps and we're taxpayers so I don't feel the least bit guilty about asking for help. Not to mention I'm really worried about what will happen to medical care in the next year with our new leadership. That's a WHOLE other story, but I want to cover all the bases.

In my past pregnancies I always got coverage via M.edicaid because I also have a primary insurance of my own through B.lueC.ross so M.edicaid isn't responsible for ALL of the charges, only about 80%. They like that! I usually end up having to pay a little, too, but it beats paying thousands to deliver.

So that's where we are at now. Just waiting for the second set of beta and progesterone tests to come back. This time they should be close to quadruple (not double) since so many days have passed. We're looking for a HCG level of about 6956. And hopefully progesterone is closer to 20.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Incompetence!!! Complete and utter incompetence!

I am without words right now and struggling to get this out without blowing my top. Today I was getting my blood drawn. The nurse was adamant that I get the blood drawn T-O-D-A-Y and no later. There was only one L.abC.orp open and the nurse was going to fax my paperwork so I could walk-in and just get it done.

Well the place was hopping for a Saturday and we waited an hour for my name to be called. The technician looked for my paperwork and could not find it. She checked the files, the fax machine, the desk, EVERYWHERE. The nurse never faxed my paperwork over.

So here I've wasted an hour of my Saturday, dragged two cranky kids with me and a cranky husband who didn't want to drive me in the first place, and I don't even get my blood drawn to make sure my levels are headed in the right direction!

To say I'm angry is an understatement. It took everything in me to not break down and start bawling at the lab. This is not the first time this nurse has screwed up and come Monday she better hope that I have calmed down when I call. I love my doctor but I cannot stand the incompetence of the nursing staff. I have half a mind to switch to someplace else but the only thing stopping me is the fact that I love that my doctor listens to me and lets me choose how I want to approach certain things.

First, it takes three days of me calling and calling before someone gets back with me for the first blood test. And even then she tells me to come pick up the paperwork myself, which I also had to wait for because it wasn't ready when I got there the following day. Took 2 days to get the results instead of one. And now not a single nurse has faxed over the paperwork for the lab for today.

Sorry to be such a complainer but I have had it. My doctor is definitely going to hear about this. Maybe I can convince her to do a complimentary 5-10 minute ultrasound in the office instead of having to go to yet another lab to get blood drawn.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Silly Girls!

So I know that this pregnancy will seem to drag on forever for my kids but since I'm with them all day and just aching to talk about babies and pregnancy I keep bringing it up to them. When I'm playing with them or laying down, I make a point to mention baby. We pray for the baby and chat about it (at least Butterfly and I chat about it).

Well I started pointing to my tummy again and telling Bumble Bee, "Baby." She grins and plays along for a minute. Then she gets serious and points to her own tummy and says, "Baby!" I try to tell her no and tell her the baby is in my tummy. She'll shriek NOOOOO! Then point to her tummy calmly and say, "Baby." I just giggle and let the girl imagine!

When I told Butterfly that her Aunt Anne was having a boy she looked at me like, "Duh, Mom. I knew that!" EVEN THOUGH she voted for girl when we took a poll.

One of my fondest memories of being pregnant with Abby were the times I'd sit in her finished nursery (I got it done fast) and Butterfly would grab the baby lotion from the changing table and rub it all over my belly. Butterfly was a little younger than Bumble Bee is now but Butterfly is my nurturer. She is going to be a fantastic babysitter, and later, a mother. She feeds her dolls, burps them, even puts real diapers on them (which she gets in trouble for... sometimes...). She treats them like real babies and it is so sweet!

Bumble Bee is starting to do the same. She signs the word "Eat" and says "Teht" (she can't say eat correctly and sometimes it sounds like another word that's not so clean... LOL) and will feed her babies. Just today she begged me to put a diaper on her teddy bear.

So anyway, I don't think I'll ever forget those moments when I was so tired and achy and my sweet toddler would rub her chubby hands over my swollen belly, her sister snuggled within, and think to myself, "I don't want to forget this. Remember this, remember this!" It always made me smile, and yes it felt GOOD because that stretched skin gets so sore. I hope Bumble Bee and Butterfly both want to bond with their unborn sibling this time around as Butterfly did only 2 years ago.

Results........ FINALLY!

Okay so the nurse called me first thing this morning, apologizing profusely. I was very grateful that she called me first thing instead of waiting until this afternoon. My results are:

Progesterone- 16.4
HCG- 1739

Going back tomorrow (Sat.) to get blood drawn and make sure HCG is doubling and progesterone is either the same or higher. If it gets to 15 or less they want to do supplementation.

HCG looks great for 5 weeks! Let's hope they reach 3478 or more when I get my results Monday!!! And let's hope my progesterone rises just a wee bit! I hear, from my sources, that being on progesterone is NOT fun!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

No news is good news?!

Well I called the doctor's office like they asked me to, left the ol' voicemail as usual. But I never got a call back. Annoying, of course! I mean, how hard is it to get a blood test and get the results? I called for THREE days straight to set up getting my blood drawn. Now I'm not getting the results. It just irks me! I probably sound a lot angrier than I am, though, because tomorrow is only hours away.

My doctor's nurse hasn't been around so I don't know if she's on vacation or being replaced, so I can only assume that the other nurses that I have had contact with are taking on double the patient load. And yes, I will be calling again tomorrow.

In a few weeks I'll add a poll to tally up everyone's "gender guess". It won't be until February that we'll get to know but I love hearing everyone's guesses.

I'm not good at guessing genders. I know there's only a 50/50 shot at getting the right one but I always manage to guess wrong. I had no clue with Butterfly and refused to guess. With Bumble Bee I thought she was a boy (carried low, different symptoms). This time I want to guess boy again, mostly because a steak and potatoes sound REALLY good. Craving the red meat!

I took an awesome nap today. Butterfly was laying in my bed with me and I think she stayed awake the whole time, rolling around and tormenting the cat, I'm not sure! I was sleeping like a rock. It felt sooooo good but I hated waking up.

I've been keeping a pregnancy journal, too. I kept one with both of my girls. I am not consistent in writing in theirs anymore. Every few months I break them out and update but it's been quite a long time since I've done it (I think since March). Butterfly's is the most detailed, of course. I would write about her first words and all sorts of funny things. That's one reason I'm glad I blog because I write the funny stories and little things that I know I'll forget one day.

Well enough of my rambling. I'm off to brush the teeth, wash the face, and hop under my covers because it is FREEZING tonight!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Results Tomorrow!

Well they took my blood and we'll have the progesterone and HCG information tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure all is well. The more symptoms I get the more confident I feel.

I'm going to be making this blog public in the coming weeks because I only had it private for announcing my pregnancy! Once everyone knows I'm going to go public! I love following pregnancy blogs so I'm hoping that going public will mean finding other preggies and adding to my blogroll (like I don't have enough to do as it is).

I feel sick to my stomach, and not because I'm pregnant. The forums I frequent are all talking about politics and all this nasty stuff that I don't want to get into. So many people are sad that homosexual unions weren't passed in California. While I do have gay friends whom I love as people, I do not agree with the lifestyle they lead. Our lifestyles don't define us, our hearts do. They're good people at heart, but I cannot stand by and let the holy union of marriage be defiled for what is unnatural, unhealthy, and honestly not safe. You can believe as you will but that is my express opinion.

So on a brighter note............ ummmmm.... see? Now I can't think of anything. I'm so upset about peoples' attitudes that my face and ears are flaming.

I was going to take a belly shot but I can't get a good one. They all come out with half my chest or half a belly. I'll have to have Daniel take one. I look more like 3-4 months and not 5 weeks. This happened when pregnant with Bumble Bee. Everything firmed up and rounded itself out pretty quickly so no worries there! Maternity jeans help in that department too.

I have started getting waves of an ill feeling. Not a feeling of wanting to puke, but of a general ickiness. When you just don't feel good but can't pinpoint the problem. Lasts a few seconds to a few minutes than vanishes.

I keep catching myself saying "he" and "him" when talking/thinking about Pumpkin.

Oh, and did I mention I told Bumble Bee! It was so funny. I kept telling her to come over to me. She thinks it's a game and will run away laughing. Finally I got her in front of me and I pointed to my tummy. I simply said, "Baby." She laughed and stared at me like I was a martian.

I said it again, "Baby. Inside tummy!" So she comes over and tentatively points saying, "Baby..?" Then she gives me a good smack in the stomach and yells, "Baby" before bursting into laughter and running off.

Yup, she's going to be an awesome big sister!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

It pays to read...

... reviews! Not just the great stuff, but to check out why people give 1-3 stars instead of 4 or 5 stars. Most often times those one stars are due to shipping errors, or a damaged piece that WAS replaced. So never judge an item by its negative stars until you know why they're negative!

We had a close call today! My MIL came over and I had a baby bouncer I bought sitting in our foyer. She didn't see it so I excused myself "to go to the restroom" so I could hide the box. I need to return it because after reading reviews (yup, pays to read reviews BEFORE purchasing, too) and found a bouncer that j'adore.

It's a baby bouncer that sits higher off the ground and has a basket underneath it. It's under $50, too, and everyone gave it 4-5 stars! I want to get it for Pumpkin for Christmas.

And while it is still really early I've been "shopping" around for the best and most affordable infant seat since I got rid of my previous one. I won't buy it until spring, or if I see it go on sale, but it's nice to have things ready in case a grandparent asks what you need!

I'm debating between 2 cribs right now, too. One is $250 and the other is $130 or so. They're both beautiful but I want to make sure I get what I pay for (aka quality). Bumble Bee's crib was from a yard sale and is sooooo wobbly that I'm ready to toss it. It'd be great to get a crib now and let Bumble Bee use it until her birthday (she'll be getting a big girl bed for her birthday).

I may ask for that for Christmas instead of other junk that I won't ever use or need! Plus it'll help save some money, too. Bunk beds are not cheap, I'm finding! And the ones on craig.slist? Total crap, beat up, nasty.

I also have a swing picked out. I love the R.ainforest one and it plugs into the wall!!! Goodbye expensive batteries. The reason I need all this new stuff after two kids?!?! I never had new stuff with them to begin with. I always had used stuff that I gave away when I was done. I'm ready to have our own stuff that I can keep and use again or share amongst family.

I just told Daniel, over the phone, that I want the infant travel system or the crib for Christmas and he said, "A crib?!" really loud in front of everyone. Oy vey! I'm not good at this secret stuff. I can keep other peoples' secrets but not my own! Anywho, he didn't sound thrilled about it. But when I told him, "If you want the action worked on for your guitar for Christmas then it shouldn't be surprising that I want baby stuff!" I mean, who asks for their guitar to get worked on for a Christmas present?!?!?!?! So he's gotta understand that baby stuff IS the BEST thing to get for me.

Well the polls are about to close so I'm going to pop a movie in and eat some popcorn or something so I'm not watching anxiously to see who won! No matter who wins, God is still on the throne! He is still the one with the final say in any matter.

If you were voting for M.cCain today but O.bama wins, you still must pray for O.bama as a leader of this country. And vice versa. The Bible says to "Obey the laws of the land" (but remember, unless it contradicts Scripture) and to obey the authorative government above us. Even people in Biblical eras had to obey their self-righteous and pompous kings. God didn't forget them!

Monday, November 3, 2008

Telling Sister

First, this is my second post of the day so scroll down. I have SO much to say and yet nothing to say at the same time. Anyway I told Butterfly today. Here was our conversation (note that she was taking a bath with Bumble Bee):

M "Butterfly? Hey, can you keep a secret?"

B Giggles. "I don't know! You can tell me!"

M "You can NOT tell Nonna."

B "Tell me! I want to know!" (she is truly her father's daughter--- has to know everything!)

M "Remember that you asked Jesus for a baby?" She nods, her smile illuminating her face. "He said 'Yes'!"

B Eyes wide, face just lit up, she says, "There's a baby in your tummy? Let me see!!!"

I just laughed and told her she couldn't see and that it would be lots and lots of days. As she was getting dressed after the bath I wanted to talk about it more with her. I asked her, "So do you think the baby is a boy or a girl?" She is ADAMANT that it is a boy. She refuses to say it's a girl. She did tell me that she'd be happy either way!

She also told me, "I'm going to change the diapers and give him a bottle. I'm going to hold him!"

I asked her what his name was and she giggled and said, "I don't know!" So I said, "Caiden?" I got an emphatic nod and she said, "Yes, my Caiden. I'm going to hold my Caiden."

I'm so stuck on that name. I don't think we'll use Zaiden. I don't care if Caiden is growing in popularity! I absolutely love it.

So that is the sweet story of Butterfly finding out. I haven't really said much to Abby about it but I have books for kids, with illustrations, that I'll break out in the next few months!

Now let's just hope Butterfly can keep the excitement to herself. I tested her out and told her to go tell Daddy because she was allowed to tell him and no one else. She got so embarassed and shy that she refused and just ran off. Then, at dinner, Daddy told her to tell Bumble Bee and she said, "NO! I cannot tell Bumble Bee." So... she may just be able to keep a secret afterall....................

Doctors!

Well I called my OBGYN this morning to set up my first appointment. December 10th is the day! Hopefully we'll get to hear a heartbeat. I'm going to be getting some blood tests done this week, too, to make sure my levels are good.

To be honest this kind of freaked me out. I am the one who asked about it when I called earlier and had to leave a voicemail with the nurse (the schedulers don't deal with this sort of thing) but when they called back there was almost this urgency underlying in her voice. I'm probably just being a hormonal ninny, though and reading into things.


I took another test today. Not because I was freaked out in that respect but because I had one left and I wanted to see the line appear again! It came back WAY darker and thicker which made me feel good. I labeled them. I think we're the only culture that holds onto peed-on-sticks.



So to add to my paranoia--- I think my MIL suspects. She has this uncanny ability to "know things". On Sunday she kept looking at my stomach. Now I was sucking it in ALL the day long. I made the comment, "Ugh, my pants just keep falling down" to which my FIL said, "Losing weight?" I smiled. Just to throw them all off. Hopefully! We really want to surprise them. Correction- DANIEL really wants to surprise them. I'm beyond that now. I just want to scream it!

Quite honestly I don't know how long I can keep this up, though. It's not like I'm a skinny-Minnie or tall. I'm short and had a pouch left over from Bumble Bee (not fat, just a pouch). So sucking it in is getting harder and harder every day. I'm longing for the days of maternity pant panels that hug my belly.

I keep begging Daniel to let us just tell them. 24 more days until Thanksgiving. Can I keep it up? If I only see them once a week I can, right? We'll see. But I'm so bloated and feeling that things will be popping out very quickly here that we might have to plan something special beforehand.

Any ideas? Daniel thought about getting a pumpkin and putting a diaper on it! I love the "Big Sister" t-shirts but don't want to spend the money so close to Christmas.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Symptoms, symptoms, symptoms!

Well in one of my last few posts I mentioned not wanting to read too far into symptoms because it can get you into trouble. You worry, wonder, stress, etc., etc. But now that I got that beautiful BFP sitting in my u.nderwear drawer, I'm going to list my few symptoms thus far.

At 4 weeks 4 days I've felt:
  • cramping
  • FATIGUE
  • brief bouts of nausea (quickly goes away)
  • peeing a TON (I take one sip and I'm in the bathroom--- please finish our downstairs bathroom, Daniel!!!)
  • beautiful, glowing skin
  • heartburn or indigestion (can't tell the difference between the two; wasn't extreme either)
  • bloating
  • somewhat sore ta-tas, heavier
  • sciatic pain already (SIGH)
  • increased CM
  • bowel issues ('nuff said)

Okay, that's more symptoms than I thought. I feel really good thus far but morning sickness didn't hit me with my girls until about 6 weeks or so. I'm waiting for the morning I wake up hungry but too nauseated to eat.

Daniel's reaction to the news was really cute. I told him "Trick or Treat?" with the test hiding in a Halloween candy bucket. He refused to take the bucket or reach in, so I took the test out and handed it to him. When he saw the two lines I thought his eyes would bug out of his head. He laughed, then he cried, then he prayed as he crushed me in a tight hug.

We dubbed the little one Pumpkin. Our little Pumpkin is due around July 9, 2009. I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow (Monday) to see if she wants to take my blood to test my hormones to make sure everything is where it should be! I have butterflies just thinking about having prenatal appointments (I'm one of those rare people that love hospitals and clinics).

The cool thing about our due date is that the 4th of July is my favorite holiday, with all the patriotism and fireworks and fun.

I could prattle on forever so I end this with........ a squeal of happiness!!!