Sunday, September 28, 2008

Well the results are in...

... definitely not pregnant. Yeah, I'll just cut to the chase. AF arrived right on time, again. That in itself is a good thing, but not being pregnant really stinks. So I'm putting TTC on the back burner and I'm focusing on losing weight. I want to lose at least 25lbs to start. I'm guessing that could take 2-3 months!

MY GOAL is to wake up at 6:30 am and workout. That's really the only time I'd ever get to without kids. I'm going to buy a Billy Blanks workout (because his workouts are amazing, he's a Christian, and he's just great!) for the days I can't get outside. I ABHOR being cold and with winter coming up it'll be good to have a workout DVD.

I'm so angry about having to struggle this long to get pregnant that I'm driven to workout by that anger. I keep kicking myself saying, "I should've just done this a year ago!" Don't get me wrong! I was working out but not to the extent I should have. I've been eating healthy already, so not much will change to that except LESS carbs.

I used to be a dancer on the worship team. I used to be a tiny size 6 and now I'm a roly-poly 16. I just am so tired of being like this and I want to look good and be an example of health to my girls. Plus, I don't think it'll happen if I don't!

This blog will probably become a very boring record of my workout and eating habits. We'll still be BDing and "letting things happen, if they happen" but I'm not taking Clomid this cycle or even the next (maybe--- I change my mind quite a bit).

Friday, September 26, 2008

Oh... so I was supposed to test, right?

Yeah, I forgot. Don't even ask HOW I could forget! I have no idea how I forgot. In my sleep-deprived haze I didn't even realize it was testing time until my sister called this morning. I was eager to get up because someone was buying a desk off of craigslist and I wanted to be up and at least LOOK fresh and not blood-shot and fuzzy-haired.

I feel the witch is coming so I may as well not even waste a test. Will keep you updated. I'll probably break down and test tomorrow AM anyway. Because AF was due today and has not shown. My stress probably isn't helping!

As SOON as I know I WILL let y'all know! LOL! That much I do know!

Joy

Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Countdown is ON!

I'm roughly 4dpo and trying to not think into symptoms. Mostly because Clomid can give you preggo symptoms (like sore breasts, for example).

Now I don't know what I was thinking, but yesterday I tried doing a backward sommersault to show Butterfly because we were doing "gy-nasticks", as she calls it. Oh boy did I pull "something". It felt like my ovary was being ripped from my body. I guess it was a cyst?

I think the funniest part about the sommersault is watching a fat lady trying to roll around on the ground! My kids thought it was funny anyway...

I've got a few things up on Craigslist and I'm selling a microwave today!!! Hopefully they show up. I've had a lot of no-shows, much to my annoyance. We had to upgrade to a larger microwave (ours was TINY) because we have enormous dinner plates that don't fit. A sweet lady called to tell me she's been without one for 3 weeks and was eager to come pick mine up.

Yay for $20! I think Daniel and I are going to go out since it's been forever. That, or we'll finally take the kids to the apple orchard like I promised. Choices, choices...

So the funny thing about this lady coming by is that I cleaned my house and showered and got dressed. It's amazing what a little motivation can do, even though she'll only step into our foyer and not see my glistening countertops. It feels good to get a lot accomplished and feel all fresh and clean! In fact, I think I'll go finish some filing I was doing... Toodles!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Not Positive

Well in my last post I mentioned how my darling husband wasn't being very cooperative. His back has been acting up REALLY bad. And it's not like a little muscle pull here and there. It's debilitatingly painful to the point he can't even lift the diaper bag. So obviously BDing is out of the question most of the time.

I'm really angry about it because I'm the one taking the fertility meds and I feel like I just WASTED my time and money. Maybe God will have a different plan. He can do anything He wants. But I'm not positive that this will be a positive ending this cycle. (Trying to work that reverse psychology thing--- does it work when you know that you're doing it?)

*SIGH*

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Been some time...

I've been neglecting my new blog! So sorry!!! Just wanted to give a quick update. I feel like crud. I think it's the weather. This is "fertile week" but the husband is not being very cooperative. I told him last night, and I quote, "I just paid how much for these stupid pills? You better get upstairs NOW!"

This is one cycle I don't feel is promising... so maybe it'll be the cycle that God goes, "Aha!" 'Cause you know that's how He rolls sometimes...

We went to Walmart yesterday and Daniel was looking at all the cool boy toys (GI Joes, Star Wars stuff, cars and guns, etc.). And he said, "I want a boy! I want to buy all these cool toys...!" That's when I gave him THE LOOK because of his uncooperativeness (yes, it's my new word).

"Daniel, you have to participate if you want a boy!"

And in other news... Beckett died. NO, not the cat! The character on Stargate Atlantis. OMG! I cried. But so did Daniel so I don't feel like a complete nerd. He was my favorite right from the pilot episode and beyond and now... he is gone. *SNIFFLE* I know he comes back in season 5--- don't you know? Sci-Fi and soaps can do that! But it's not the same. It's like the time they killed of Daniel Jackson, but at least that show lasted FIVE MORE seasons... Pssh...

Time to end this post. Peace out!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Embarassed...

You know that because this blog is private I'm more likely to be open and candid about my feelings and my experiences. And there's nothing more that I'd like right now than to admit how incredibly embarassed and humiliated PCOS makes me feel.

And because I have children it only puts a more painful twist on it. A different pain than one of a childless infertile couple, but a deep pain nevertheless. To have your body be reliable and compliant and then have that same body turn on you and begin to work dysfunctionally is so difficult. I can only imagine that people who find they have cancer feel a deeper sorrow of the same feeling that I am experiencing.

Even now, even though I'm writing this down (errr--- typing anyway) it is so hard to put into words exactly what I'm feeling. I feel like I'm just putting my foot in my mouth...

And the thing is, being young doesn't matter. Telling someone they "have time" does not matter. They're empty words meant to console but they only bury the person further into their despair. Why? Because they know that those words don't mean a thing when you have a fertility issue.

Yeah, this is really sunny isn't it? That's why I've decided ONCE AND FOR ALL that PCOS will not define me. No longer will I say "I have PCOS." Instead I will say that "I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE" and I will also say "NO PLAGUE WILL COME NEAR MY DWELLING".

I'm SICK of being defined by what is problematic in my life. And I'm sick of the devil having a "foothold" through this reproductive problem. Obviously he does not want to make this easy for me. Obviously he fears who our children will become. And I'm glad he's scared! But GREATER is He who is in ME!

When I was a teenager I was very "active" with a boyfriend. We didn't use anything. Ever. For months and months. I never got pregnant. In fact I had problems that I was afraid to address. I was 16 and would not talk with my mom about these types of things. Anyway, I knew deep, deep inside my heart that there was a problem but I was so afraid. Not to mention I was NOT a Christian.

When I did become a Christian I threw away my old life. No alcohol, no sex, no bad media (foul movies and music--- it was strictly all Christian). And I approached a really good friend of mine. He sort of adopted me as his little sister and we were seemingly inseparable in retrospect.

Anyway, I told him in a stage whisper "I don't think I'll ever be able to have children" at a late night Bible study in the church sanctuary. And this may seem weird (it wasn't to me) but in the middle of the sanctuary he laid his hand on my stomach (while a girlfriend touched my shoulder and my head) and he prayed such a fervent prayer. I cried which was a major deal since I rarely do, especially in public. I FELT something change...

Two months after I started sleeping with Daniel I found out I was pregnant. Nine months after Butterfly was born I was pregnant again (miscarriage). It took one try to get pregnant with Bumble Bee.

The devil attacked me then. He's doing it again now! So I'm begging and pleaing with all of you who call Jesus your Lord and Savior to get on your knees and PRAY for me.

I don't care if you believe having a child is right or wrong for me at this time in my life. I simply want control of my reproduction to be placed RIGHTFULLY into the hands of God and out of the devil's grasp. I want the doctors to be astonished and say, "Well you don't have PCOS at all!"

I've felt this way for a few weeks. This nudging in the back of my mind that something has been off. Sure, I've thought to myself, "In God's timing..." and that things would fall into place. But I have this strange ability to sense, or discern, when the devil is at work. I have to admit that it took me a lot longer to figure it out because I've been so wrapped up in other things and he is a sneaky foe.

A few such discernments that really shook me up- Anna Nicole Smith's death, my own mother's death (years before she even knew she had cancer I felt what I would describe as a blackness and "death" around her and as a child it scared me... I even told her "If you die, Mommy, I want to die with you" one day), Heath Ledger's death, and Chris Benoit's murder/suicide (he's a pro wrestler).

I recognize what's going on and I'm very passionate and driven right now.

One final note, I promise--- the friend who prayed for me those years ago as a baby Christian? His wife was told that she'd NEVER have children. She is pregnant with their third daughter and soon to deliver! I'm telling you that man has an anointing in this arena! In fact I may go email his wife now for even more prayer warriors!!!

*********UPDATE**********
I emailed my former youth pastor's wife and she will most likely forward it to my old friend's wife (it's more appropriate to have his wife pray or for them to pray in unison). More updates to come... I hope...!

Monday, September 1, 2008

WILD BEAST!!!!!!!!

Last month, the Clomid side effects didn't hit me until after I took the last pill. This month the side effects are hitting me a lot sooner and I feel like my emotions are out-of-control. NOT in the sense that I'm a wild beast and uncontrollable or a harm to anyone.

I just feel......... irritable. I know that other people can feel it. I'm like one of those prickly pear cactii. Or you could equate it to an energy field surrounding me---get too close or ask too many questions and you might get zapped.

Just picture an enormous Godzilla-type rampaging through the house, cleaning every surface and snapping at anyone who interrupts or leaves any messes in their wakes.

Please oh please let this pass soon! And please just let this be the last cycle I have to worry about this, Jesus!!!!!!