Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Still Dreaming

There is a poem on my sidebar called, "Dreaming of Caiden or Zoe". I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days, especially now that I've gotten back with my former doctor. And I have a renewed sense of hope.

If you remember a post of mine a long time ago, on my other blog, I wrote about the meaning of the names.

Caiden- Spirit of Battle This makes me think of a spiritual warrior, someone with a zest for life.

Zoe Beth- Life; Promise of God This name means a lot to me because I like to translate it as, "God's Promise of New Life". Meaning that God isn't done with us yet. There is still a baby or babies out there for us and He hasn't forgotten us.

I don't know why miscarriages happen. I don't pretend to have the answers. I am not even admitting to being whole again. And no, we're not going to consciously try to conceive right now either.

I just had to share these feelings, get them written down to remind myself that there is always hope. To never give up hope.

One day we will have a son and his name will be Caiden Isaac. I have had this name picked out since pregnant with Butterfly and nothing will change my mind from that name. It's been embedded in my heart and I've dreamed about him many nights and envisioned myself cradling him, breathing in his baby soft scent. To me he's real, even if he's not here. I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound weird. Even my sister has spoken about him in future-tense as a real person!

And maybe one day we'll have a promise of new life in another daughter. Her name will be Zoe Beth. When I think of a baby girl I think of three little sisters huddling together in bed, giggling into the late hours and doing each others' hair. The only thing I'd change Zoe to would be Chloe (if we ever had a twin boy and girl--- 'cause you know that would be stinking cute to have Caiden and Chloe!).

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On another note, I just worked by bum off. I didn't feel like working out. It's cold out and I am having a hard time sleeping lately so I'm tired. But I made myself put that DVD in and I gave it 100%. I even tried to do all the pushups (I'm getting better at them!).

And it's paying off. I get to add $1 to our pot. Woo hoo! One pound may not seem like a lot but it's one less pound off this butt or thighs. Tomorrow I may exclusively do an ab workout because my thighs might be screaming at me.

After the workout I hopped in the shower, put on some regular clothes (instead of sweats), put on some body spray and I feel tons better. I'm still cold and my hair is still wet as I don't own a blow dryer, but I feel clean and accomplished.

3 comments:

Andrea said...

Those are such beautiful names! I've been praying every day that you will hold Caiden or Zoe in your arms one day. I don't think it's weird to think of him or her as a future person at all!

Julie said...

I can't wait til the day you have little Caiden in your arms. Lots of people have been asking about how you are doing (since I put you on prayer chains). I am glad to see God has renewed your hope. I have to tell you, Hannah has been praying for you! At dinner, when she prays, she says, "And God, please help my mommy's sister to feel better because she has been sad lately." Isn't that sweet?

Tasha Via said...

We've been praying for you here, me and my little girl. She has a soft spot for babies too!

I am so proud of you for working out so hard. I am having a hard time getting motivated, that darn cold weather is killing me. I just want to curl up in bed for "30 more minutes"...