Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Remember when...

... I said AF was due Christmas-time? She's been a no-show and those "weird feelings" dissipated. I'm beyond even worrying about it, which is why I haven't blogged in so long. I have this amazing ability to shove things to the back of my mind and ignore them. While everyone on my forum is peeing-on-a-stick almost every day since CD5 I am able to wait until AF is due or late. I've just gotten to that point in my life where I am sick of disappointing myself.

Anyway, no I don't think I'm pregnant. But I probably should buy some tests to keep on hand anyway. We did BD without protection. But at the same time it took me 8 weeks to get a period with my first miscarriage and as it is now it's been 5 weeks exactly on Christmas day. So I am expecting it within a week or two, hopefully! I'm ready to move on at this point. I'll POAS anyway, just to be certain. I'll let you guys know when I do that.

I must also say that I'm completely back to being 100% baby hungry. It doesn't take me long at all. If you look back at my first posts when the miscarriage happened it seemed so hopeless and desperate. I knew I'd change my mind and quickly because I did this last time as well.

Daniel is still having a very, very hard time. I can't and don't mention the miscarriage. There are days he doesn't want to even pick up his guitar and play. He is so distraught. Daniel is a lot more emotional than I am. Like I said, I can push things out of my mind and focus on other things. I grieved hard and then let it go and gave it to God. Daniel didn't allow himself to do that.

I'm afraid to even bring up TTC to him. Out of the blue he'll ask me, "Aren't you afraid?" And of course, because it is out of the blue, I'm like, "Afraid of what?" He means getting pregnant again. So am I? Hell yes. I was afraid when I got the BFP on Halloween this year, but my elation overpowered my fear.

I don't want to repeat a pregnancy like I had with Bumble Bee. I was so emotionally detached from her and the pregnancy. I didn't feel pregnant, even when I felt her rolling around. Obviously once she was born it was an instantaneous love. I was so in-tuned to her and she literally never cried because I met her needs before she even knew what she wanted because I knew. It was an amazing bond and very different from how I bonded with Butterfly.

So are we TTC? No, we're not. Mostly because Daniel isn't ready, though I am very very ready at this point. We'll just keep doing what we're doing and if it happens, it happens. I'm so seriously wiped out from the emotional trauma this year (many things, not just the miscarriage) that I'm taking it one day at a time. I don't want the letdown or the disappointments again. We could very well get pregnant again in a snap or it could be years. I'd prefer the former rather than the latter, of course.

But AF, please hurry up because I need to move on and have a basis for my cycles! PLEASE!!! Watch, she'll show on Christmas morning, just to taunt me.

I was supposed to be 12 weeks on Christmas day. It's really weird to think about that and I have been trying not to say, "Oh today is the day that _____ (fill in the blank)." It just makes it harder and more unbearable. But the holidays are definitely harder to ignore. I still have the stocking for the little one hung (has a bib and washcloths and baby wash in it). I'm about to go take it down right now. I don't want Daniel or the girls to see it Christmas morning and ask about it. It is time.

Yesterday morning Butterfly jumped up in my bed and accidently crushed my stomach. I told her that hurt and she sat back and said, "Baby isn't in your tummy? Baby is sick and with Jesus? Yeah, baby is with Jesus." I just affirmed her and she went back to bouncing on my bed.

1 comment:

Julie said...

I am glad you are handling things well and that your spirit is lifting. Poor Daniel---he needs to allow himself to grieve.