Thursday, November 20, 2008

Stopped Progesterone

Obviously after having the sonogram yesterday my last progesterone pill was taken in the morning. Not even 24 hours since taking that last pill the miscarriage started and I've already passed the black mass we saw on the sonogram (that I think was the embryo breaking up into pieces). I am in excruciating pain and it just now occured to me that I can take a pain reliever (I don't take ANYTHING when pregnant if I can help it). I guess the progesterone was just slowing the process down.

I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, go anywhere or stay here, I don't want to do Sunday, I don't want to go to Thanksgiving. As stupid as it is I am so embarassed and humiliated and ashamed. If you've never had a miscarriage then you won't understand those feelings but they're very real even if they don't make sense.

I just don't want to face the awkwardness of people not being able to look at me or say anything, or have people tip-toe around the subject. Of course I am just so tired of it all that I don't want to talk about it either. Anytime I do open my mouth to say anything I think I shock Daniel into silence. I am not a very nice person right now.

Some people can go on and get pregnant without a hitch and I used to think I was one of those blessed people who could get pregnant at the drop of a hat and nothing goes wrong. This is the 2nd loss and it did not matter how much I begged and pleaded with God to save this one. I don't get it! I guess I never will in this lifetime either. I just don't understand why it happens to ME! Our entire family is very fertile yet I'm the only one, it seems, who keeps losing. That's not to discount how blessed I AM to have two gorgeous daughters in any way.

In another sense part of me is a little relieved that this is over. Is that silly? I know it doesn't make sense. I told Daniel that in the car on our way home from the u/s yesterday and he was stunned. It wasn't that I didn't WANT the baby. I was just relieved to have a final answer, a conclusion, and a reason for this on-and-off again bleeding that I staved off with my "bedrest" and progesterone pills.

Someone on my forum reminded me of Job and that helped put some things in perspective in a way. But honestly I don't care if God thinks I'm a strong person who can handle this over and over. I don't WANT to go through this again. Ever.

Ironically enough I've had more sales in the past 2 days than any other days my shop has been open. It is keeping me busy and focused on something else, though no amount of money in the world can erase the sadness from my eyes.

I shouldn't even have to be writing about this. I should be squealing in delight over a sweet little heartbeat. Instead I keep re-watching the sonogram in my mind, silently pleading for a little flash to appear to signify the heart was beating away but ending up only seeing a black nothing sit in a dark, empty, dead womb.

I hate my body now more than I ever have in my life. As early as I was I was sporting a little belly that was actually quite firm. When I woke up yesterday morning, before the ultrasound, I noticed it felt "deflated" and I wasn't bloated anymore. I guess Billy Blanks and I will just have to rekindle our relationship in front of the TV every morning in the next week. Yup, my mind has already switched gears to that.

And I just want to take a moment to thank each of you for your words. Even if you said you didn't know what to say, it made all the difference to me that you even care to continue reading this and follow my journey. The journey isn't over by any means but there's definitely other areas to focus on right now.

I have heard so many stories the past night and afternoon of hardships worse than my own and my heart goes out to each and every single one of you as well. It's like one big Sad Club of Heartache or something. But I'd love to check my membership at the door and get out... don't we all? It's definitely one club I don't want to belong in.


Kaye said...

I was sharing your story (without your name of course) on one of my blogs as a prayer request (to be posted tomorrow). I just wanted you to know that these readers will be praying for you even though they don't know who you are.

Anonymous said...

I Think it's good to let yourself feel whatever you need to feel- there is no need to justify whats on your heart. I thought I would share this video with you
I will be praying for you :)

Polka Dot said...

... of hardships worse than my own...

Never, ever, never, ever discount what you're going through. Or the hurt you feel.

Never. Ever.

Your pain isn't any 'easier' or 'less' than someone else's. It's yours and you have every right in the world to feel exacly the way you do.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now.

CityStreams said...

I just read about it over at Anne Elizabeth's blog. I'm so sorry for your loss Joy. What a nightmare. I'm praying for you. {[Big Hug}}

Have you read Moly Piper's blog? She had a miscarriage two years ago and blogged about it a lot.

Andrea said...

I know how you feel about being embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed about it. Why do we feel like that?? I'm just so sorry that this is happening to you again. No woman should ever have to experience this once, let alone more than that. I'm thinking about you and praying for you.

Monkey's Momma said...

I prayed for you today and blogged about lifting you up in prayer (although I didn't use your name). You have nothing to be ashamed about. Just take it one day at a time. I am sorry that you are hurting.

Paula said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, and you are in my much in my prayers.