Friday, November 21, 2008

Someone To Blame

I know that when you lose someone, whether a pregnancy or a parent or someone you love, part of the grieving process is ANGER and you want to lash out at someone and find someone to blame. The thing is that I'm not looking for someone to blame or to push all of this responsibility on. I really and truly feel that my doctor was NOT on top of things. Read past posts (and Mel's comments--- she already fired my doctor in the last one).

First of all, I have a fertility issue in which she prescribed Me.tformin. She refuses to increase the dosage even though I'm taking the bare minimum (1000mg) and it's not having any effect at all. That, or her nurse doesn't even talk to her when I call to ask about it.

Second, she gave me Cl.omid and did not monitor me while I was on it (it says on the label that a doctor must monitor you throughout your cycle while taking it). I've seen other women who weren't monitored so I thought nothing of it but then realized my doctor is NOT a fertility specialist.

Third, when I called to even tell her I was pregnant I wanted to be on progesterone right away (because of the previous cycles using Clomid--- it can thin out the uterine lining). No one got back with me. I find out she's on vacation and will be back in a week.

The nurse taking over told me if prog. goes below 15 THEN we'll supplement. When it went below 15 they refused to give me a prescription for the progesterone supplements until I started bleeding (believe me, I ASKED for it) and it was an on-call doctor who prescribed it; not my regular OBGYN. By then it was too late. My levels had already started to drop.

Am I just crazy? Am I just LOOKING for someone to b---- at and blame? Or do I really have a sound case here that I need to address? I just woke up from a terrible nightmare about all of this so I'm probably a little more emotional. I just can't get it out of my head that the sono tech wrote, "FETAL DEMISE" on my report. Who is responsible for my baby's "demise"? I've already written my doctor a Dear John letter in my mind.

This wasn't supposed to happen. It just wasn't. How can you try for so long, decide to move on from it, and then get pregnant? Then have that all stripped away? The agony I am in is indescribable. I know I was only 7 weeks but in my mind this was supposed to be my son or daughter. I was already dreaming of their birth, of holding them, of placing them in the bassinet that is now sitting empty in the attic. The 4th of July happens to be my favorite holiday because it reminds me the most of my mom. Now it is going to be filled with even more sadness, in that respect.

So yesterday I had a To Do List. I wanted to stay busy. Unfortunately I couldn't do it all. The pain become so unbearable (I didn't take any pain reliever until 6pm) that I could only sit and whimper after doing quite a bit. Think labor pain, only not AS painful. Anyway, on my To Do List I was going to take upstairs all the baby stuff I had dragged to Bumble Bee's closet.

I was going to go through it, sort it. During the joyous time of this pregnancy I would look through the boxes and daydream. During the confusing and fearful time I'd sob and hold onto the sweet little stuffed treasures I'd carefully picked out. Now I avoid her closet like the plague and if I need something in there I keep my eyes up and away from where the boxes and packs of diapers still lay. I opened the newborn size diapers weeks ago and showed Butterfly how tiny they were compared to Bumble Bee's diaps.

The pregnancy tests are still in my u.nderw.ear drawer. I can't even bare to open the drawer but since I need to everyday I just quickly open and grab up something and slam it shut without looking inside. I am not ready to pack those up and move them, or to throw them away. There were a few times that I reached in and just held them without looking at them, clutched in a fist. That's probably what kills me the most. Re-living the appearance of that second line! How shaky, nervous, thrilled, and excited I WAS just makes me all the more bitter.

And my pregnancy journal that I started. Already filled up many pages of notes, dreams, ideas, letters to the little one. I can't read it, but I did add an extra entry last night even though there's no one that will cherish it as their own now. No one to read it except my daughters who shouldn't have to read about their mother's anguish.

Daniel doesn't want to tell Butterfly because he knows she'll repeat it over and over. It's not about her telling anyone. He says he doesn't want to hear her little voice say over and over, "Our baby is with Jesus" or whatever she'd say. Last night I had to hold him as he cried. He held each of our daughter's as tears rolled down his face. Butterfly said to him, "I'm not sad. Mommy didn't yell at me. I'm not sad." It made us both laugh.

So the other night we watched Stargate Continuum to distract ourselves and had lots of laughs at all the antics and inside jokes. It's when you get upstairs to get ready for bed and you're just laying in the dark that you're assaulted with so many dark thoughts. I'm really, REALLY good at looking fine and content on the outside if I need to (think: self preservation in social circles) so I'm sure to anyone dropping by they'd be none-the-wiser. It feels good to have a place to say all of this, even if no one reads all of the words. I know it's really long-winded.

Thank you again for your prayers and encouragement. I read each and every single comment, though I have not commented back to anyone, and each of them is very touching and cherished.


Anne Elizabeth said...

I totally understand blaming your doctor because frankly that is what I have done. I think everything you feel in regards to that is completely valid. I was appalled at the way she took care of you and I know I wasn't the only one. I know this probably doesn't make you feel better; but your feelings about your lack of the right care from her are valid.

Monkey's Momma said...

Oddly enough, I was having the same thoughts as you, Joy. Although I am not an OB nurse, it seems to me that your doctor and her nurses need to be a little bit more compassionate, understanding and on top of things than they are.

As a medical professional, my thoughts are that you did everything you could to prevent this from happening. I think I would find another OB-Gyn pronto, and not mess with this one anymore.

They may or may not have been negligent. I am not sure, but proving it is sometimes very difficult to do.

I would make one final appointment with her, tell her of your feelings and thoughts of how this pregnancy was handled, then let her know that you will not require her services any longer. If you don't think that you can handle a 1:1 with her without ripping her face off, write a letter instead and send it registered mail.

BUT she needs to be made aware of your feelings on this. It might make the difference in how she treats someone else in the same situation.

Becky said...

Joy, I can certainly understand your feeling as you do about that doctor. I, too, would change doctors. It doesn't sound like they're very 'on top' of things. I'd also consider going with an actual fertility specialist if possible, because that is their monitor things like this.

My prayers are with you, hon. Hang in there.

Andrea said...

I just want you to know that I've been thinking and praying for you the past couple of days.

I also think you are right to feel that way about your doctor. I was actually thinking about it last night after I was in bed. Going over everything you had said and wondering why they didn't give you the progesterone sooner and why they didn't seem to take your drops in progesterone and HCG more seriously. I wouldn't go back to them anymore.

Everything you are saying is just what I was thinking when I had my miscarriage. The pregnancy tests, the few baby items we do have, the whole nursery. I still can't go in that room without becoming very depressed. I've been in there a handful of times since we moved's a mess.

You should definitely keep your pregnancy tests. Maybe make a little box with those and some other things in it. I did that and included pictures of the test and my blog posts about the pregnancy...only happy posts. Sometimes I feel like I'm saving them for my baby to see, then realize that won't ever happen. But it makes it feel like my baby is still around in a sense.

Dana said...

I am so incredibly sad for you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

I would definately not ever step foot in that doctor's office again, unless it was to give them a serious yelling at. They were not looking out for you at all. They should have had you in that office at the first sign of trouble and in nonstop contact with you. It sounds like they just really dropped the ball.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.