Wednesday, November 19, 2008

So which scenerio played out..?

You might be surprised to know that neither scenerio played out like I imagined. They never really do. I was so nervous all day before the appointment that I was shaky and felt like I was going to puke. We got to the doctor's office and I felt a smidgen better. Something about hospitals always makes me feel calmer.

Anyway, got into the ultrasound. The tech was rushing around and you could tell she was busy. Had to do the vag. ultrasound, which I hate with a passion. She didn't turn the screen away from me and we were only there for about 5 minutes.

I knew what was going on before she even said a word. Just a really weird shaped sac with a huge black mass of tissue and clots. When she said, "It doesn't look good" I could only whisper, "I can tell." It was then the tech stopped rushing and she actually looked as though she'd cry too.

No heartbeat, not even a discernable embryo. When she thought my back was turned I saw her type out, "Irregular sac. Something-something-something FETAL DEMISE." Those last two words will read through my mind for a long time.

So. No more baby and at this point I do not want to go through this again. The elation, then the confusion and fear, and finally the anger and broken heart. Just don't want to put myself through this again. I feel like a total failure and completely defective while at the same time understanding it was nothing I did.

But I DO feel that I should have gotten the progesterone sooner when it FIRST started falling or when I first called them to say I was pregnant. I know it can fluctuate throughout the day but seriously! I have a fertility problem and had taken Clomid in the previous cycles!

I guess there's no point in re-hashing it. I have a ton of progesterone pills left over and I'll just take them if I end up pregnant again. Which, by the way, would not be because we are trying because I never want to try again. If it happens, it'll happen and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I have so much more to say and vent and get out but at the same time I have nothing to say. It's just one big jumble of crazy thoughts, what-ifs, and shattered dreams.

And I especially don't want to hear that it wasn't God's timing. I've heard enough of that. I get it.

I told you I hate November.

Now I'm just sitting here waiting to bleed out my precious baby.

28 comments:

Polka Dot said...

I'm so very sorry.

Hi, I'm Amber. said...

I'm so sorry, Joy. And you are absolutely right... you don't need to hear that it wasn't God timing because in fact, it was. God timed out the conception of your little one and allowed him (or her) to be part of your life for a purpose, even if it was for a short time. Your baby is just as much a treasured child as Elaina and Abigail... and God was as purposeful in His creation of this little one as in your gorgeous daughters. You have every right to grieve this loss because your baby counted in this world... that little life brought lots of people to their knees in the past few weeks. Keep trusting Him, girl. Above all, He is good. Even when it makes no sense. I'll continue to pray for you.

Ris said...

there are no words. I am unbelievably sorry and am praying for you.

The Mommy said...

Joy, I'm so sad to hear this news. You, Daniel and the girls will be in my prayers. I can only imagine your sadness and sense of loss because I've imagined it a million times myself. I know how all of the "what if's" are always in the back of your mind. You will get hrough this, but take time to mourn the life of your sweet little Pumpkin.

Katie said...

Oh, Joy.

I will update your memorial. I wish there was more that I could do.

IF you decide to try again, I really want to talk to you about your protocol and when to start progesterone. So, let me know.

But now is not the time for that. Now is the time for you to grieve this precious little life.

I am so, so sorry and I am here for you. If you need to talk live, send me an e-mail and we can figure out how to get in touch.

I am praying for you and your entire family tonight.

Katie

Fertilized said...

Joy, I am so very sorry for your loss. This is just awful awful. I wish these were not the words I were leaving for you. Thank you for visiting my blog the other day

Dan & Hillary and little Russell said...

Joy, my heart breaks for you. I don't know why God gives and then takes away. I truly struggle with this. It is okay to mourn. It is a lost child and a broken dream.

Anne Elizabeth said...

My heart is aching for you and Daniel right now. There are no words. I'm praying for you, Daniel and the girls.

Staci said...

I am so very sorry. I have been there and really, there are no words. My thoughts are with you.

(((HUGS)))

Jen said...

I am so sorry. I will be thinking of you and your baby.

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry, I know how it feels and there's no words to make it feel better. I'm praying for you!

Monkey's Momma said...

{{Joy}} I am so, so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself, okay?

ispeakbeanish said...

I'm sorry, Joy. I know there's nothing else to say. I'm sorry.

Beck said...

I have no words, just know that you and your family are in my prayers. God has a plan for each of us. Things will get better. Stay strong...I am so sorry!

Stacey said...

Joy,
I have been praying for you and will continue to do so now in this incredibly tough time. I'm very sorry for you and your family.

(HUGS AND PRAYERS)

mnrn said...

There's not much to say except, that really stinks. And I am so very sorry. Hugs.....

Cassandra said...

So very sorry, Joy. Take care.

Annalien said...

I am so sorry it was bad news. I remember that I also felt that I had failed my baby when I miscarried - I guess it is normal. We want to keep them safe and it is not always in our hands.

I do not always understand how God's will work and why these things (and worse) happens to his children, but I pray that He will carry you through this time and that you will be closer to Him.

Vixbil said...

I am so sorry, I don't know what else I can say. I am praying for you and your family.
Love to you dear Joy
xx

Julie said...

I am sorry Sis.

Tasha Via said...

Joy, I am sooooo sorry! It breaks my heart. I can't imagine the emotions you are feeling right now. I am praying for you...

kMo said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know times like these can be tough and I hope the knowledge that so many people care enough to pray for you and your family will help comfort you during this time. I'll be praying too.

Mandy said...

Joy, I'm so sorry. Praying.

Kaye said...

I have no idea what words could possibly help you heal at this time of hurt and mourning. However, please know that I am praying for you and the entire family.

Mel said...

I am so sorry, Joy. I prayed about this last night and keep just asking God to keep that little one close to him and to give you peace in some way.
*hugs*

Andrea said...

I'm so sorry, Joy *HUG* If you want to talk about it now or later I'm always here to listen.

Lena said...

Hi joy,
I am so sorry- I know the feeling of this kind of loss and at this point I have a whole brood in heaven. It is a extremely tough road to be going down (especially more than once).
I would encourage you to read this book it has helped me find the healing I need in the midst of my journey of infertility and miscarriage. http://www.amazon.com/Hannahs-Hope-Seeking-Heart-Infertility/dp/1576836541

Becky said...

I'm so sorry Joy. I too wish there was something I could do to help. I'm just really sorry. There are just no words..