Friday, November 21, 2008

Rambling

I've already lost a few pounds in the last couple of days. Nothing noticeable, by any means, and it's probably because I keep forgetting to eat. It's now 8pm and I just realized I hadn't eaten dinner (we always eat dinner at 5).

Today we also went to the store. Bumble Bee needed more diapers and I needed some envelopes for my business. I about near had a panic attack going to get those stupid diapers in the baby section. I had to stare at Daniel's back and of course he kept lolly-gagging and didn't realize that I was about to hyperventilate so I sped past him, keeping my eyes on the floor. It's just early.

I KNOW this will pass and I will no longer feel this suffocation when I see babies and baby-related items and pregnant ladies. But this is only day #2 and I should've just sent Daniel to get the diaps himself. I have no problem reading pregnancy blogs, especially of my friends, but complete strangers--- it just sends a pang of hurt into my heart. Not because of the ladies themselves. It's just a reminder that I'm no longer a part of THAT club. I can't even touch my stomach.

I'm one of those ladies that will hold and pat her pregnant belly almost constantly. So it's no surprise that I catch myself reaching to hug my stomach and then pull away in horror. *SIGH* It will get better. I know it will.

Anyway, at the store I kept trying to tell Daniel how badly I wanted to just go back home. But of course I forgot to put a prescription in when we first got there so we had to spend another 30 minutes wandering around (prescip for the M.etformin, which I got 90 pills for $6!!!). I also have to mention that the $188 bottle of P.rometrium (progesterone)? I got a refund of $153 because Daniel didn't run it by my insurance first since we were all freaking out when he went to go get it. So that was nice.

I was just telling Michaelle that I had no problem paying almost $200 for pills when I thought I was trying to save a life but now it feels like I'm paying all of these bills for nothing. I have nothing to show for them.

Thank you for all of your responses regarding my doctor situation. I tried to be fair in my assessment of them and just present the facts. Note I said tried. I know there's a highly hormonal and emotional part riding behind it. I decided that one-on-one is NOT going to work for many reasons. I'm too emotional, I'm bad at confrontations, I absolutely hate telling someone everything that I think is wrong with them, etc. So I'm just going to write a letter. I'm going to send two copies- one to my doctor and one to her director. She is definitely fired.

It's really a shame, too, because when I was pregnant with Bumble Bee I thought I had hit the jackpot of doctors. I don't know what happened but I'm not sticking around to try and figure it out. I went through 3 or 4 doctors to find this one when I had Bumble Bee.

But I also have to mention Bumble Bee's birth. The crud hit the fan when she was actually born (the prenatal care was awesome). Bumble Bee's right clavicle (collarbone) snapped when she was born. When she came out she just laid there, as if asleep, for 10-15 seconds and then just started screaming. I remember thinking, "Oh no, my baby is going to be a baby I can't console! She's a crier!" I was freaking out in my head. Then I thought she sounded like she was in pain. So did Lindee (MIL).

Lindee brought it up to the nurse cleaning Bumble Bee up and she brushed it off, crooning in Bumble Bee's face, "All the babies cry! She's fine! She's just mad!" My doctor did not catch the break, neither did the nurses, no one thought she was crying differently. But Lindee and I both knew something was wrong. Bumble Bee calmed down when they put her on the warming bed so we all put the thoughts aside. Maybe she really was angry about being born!

The next day the pediatrician came to check her out. He said, "Did you know her collarbone is broken?" I was in shock. I didn't even know what to say. My doctor comes by later and tells me, after just having given birth, "Next pregnancy we'll do a c-section so this doesn't happen again." I just stared at her. I'm not opposed to a c-sec in an emergency situation whatsoever. But don't come and tell me, after I just gave birth, about that!

At my 6-week postpartum checkup she brought it up again. Only this time she said, "We'll induce you 2 weeks early instead." Ugh, first not pregnant anymore and just gave birth! Honestly the reason Bumble Bee's collarbone broke was NOT because of her size. It was because she had her right arm clear across her body, holding the left side of her face when she came out. It was the angle.

By the way, Bumble Bee turned out fine. They don't do anything for broken collarbones; you just have to be gentle. She did develop torticollis in her neck (she'd always have her head tilted to one side and she'd never turn it the other way). And she had 2 or 3 sessions of physical therapy because of that, which is GOOD. Most kids stay there for months or years. I was just very in-tune with Bumble Bee and knew when something was wrong so we caught it early. Her pediatrician didn't even notice her head-tilt until I said something.

I'm in a very rambling mood. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do now. I'm a planner. I know I only miscarried just yesterday but I like to have goals. I never go by my goal-line really but I like to have the list in front of me. Do I find a new OBGYN or do I find a specialist? Do I even wait for all of that since I'm not sure if I want to get pregnant again in the first place? So many questions, so much time to figure it out. I at least need someone to help me with the PCOS issue. I want that GONE (it is possible to get rid of it, but recurrences are normal too).

The bleeding has actually almost stopped. I was spotting a tad after the sonogram, miscarried yesterday, and woke up with just spotting and scant bleeding. There's more mucousy stuff than blood (like after you've given birth). Okay, even I am making a face of disgust as I type all of this so I don't blame you if you do too! The AWFUL cramps and back pain stopped last night around 9 pm, too. Every now and then I feel a stab of pain but it's not constant anymore.

I wrote in my pregnancy journal last night. I'm in a better state of mind at the moment so I can recount this without breaking into pieces. I just told the little one I was sorry and I wished I was more persistent. I told them I felt responsible for not speaking up more. As I wrote that last letter I broke down and set it gently in my dresser (yes, I know I keep a lot of stuff in there but I promise my journal and pee sticks are the only non-clothing items!).

I had to buy more p.ads today and when we got home I tossed them up the stair landing so I'd remember to take them to the bathroom. I just stood there and stared at them and the thought flashed in my mind, "I shouldn't have had to buy these for 7 or 8 more months."

I want to memorialize my two angel babies. When we moved here I already thought of planting something for the first. Maybe Daniel and I can make a little garden and find some little statues. It will just have to be really special and I'll know the statues when I see them. I saw one angel statue at our antique mall (maybe you remember it, Anne, it was in that booth where you got a lot of stuff for Pink's room). I thought it was perfect but I never bought it and it's probably not there anymore. I'll probably go there tomorrow and look! We named our first loss (Aaron) but I have no idea about naming this one.

Anyway, I could go on and on and on and on. Oh and can I just say my arm is still bruised from the last blood draw? She was gentle and it didn't hurt. I wonder why this one bruised and the others didn't?! I just saw how long this is. This is the mother of all posts. I've never posted one so long before. Sorry!

5 comments:

Anne Elizabeth said...

I remember that Angel:) I blame the doctor for Abby's broken collar bone (I'm pretty sure my mom did too). I never told you that before because I didn't want to upset you. I had no idea she said all the induction and c-section crap. I would find a OBGYN Specialist that knows a lot about PCOS but that's just me.

Hi, I'm Amber. said...

I think you're wise to leave that doctor behind. I had a snarky, horrible OBGYN during pregnancy. And my fertility treatments were unmonitored and unsuccessful with the ob. I also had both miscarriages under ob care. I would HIGHLY RECOMMEND (coming from PCOS experience here) that you find an awesome reproductive endocrinologist. I can't remember where you live, but I went to a RE here in NC that was one of the top 5 doctors in America in 2007. He was INCREDIBLE. I got pregnant the first month he treated me. And I have a friend with PCOS who had the same experience with him. I'm sure his office could help you track someone down in your area too. If you want more info, just email me. I am praying for you!!

Monkey's Momma said...

Monkey had torticollis too!! He had to have physical therapy and hated it! Screamed bloody murder because he was mad.

Nice bruise!

Andrea said...

I thought the same thing about feminine products after my miscarriage. I had mine all packed away in boxes since we had just moved. I was planning on keeping them there until after the pregnancy. It's just little things that can make the grief flare up again.

That's horrible about Abby! So scary to think that that can happen to newborns! I'm glad everything turned out okay though.

You should definitely do a memorial of some sort. If you do I would love to see a picture of the angel statue. Love you and I'm praying for you *HUG*

Steph said...

I too have had two miscarriages. They are not easy. My girls think that the two we lost are brothers (boys). I would like to think that's true...it was too early to tell though.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, I'm praying for you and thinking of you.
We have two trees planted for our babies, I think it's a good thing to have a memorial somewhere that reminds you of them.
Loves...
xo