Saturday, November 29, 2008

Love of a Stranger

Today I got a puzzling envelope in the mail. It looked like a card of some sort. Confused, I asked Daniel if he knew them as I started opening the card. I realized they were from my hometown so I thought maybe someone was getting married or having a baby shower?

I opened the card to find a beautiful poem about miscarriage and the story of a woman who has also had 2 losses and battles PCOS. I have to admit I carried the card around with me today. It meant so much to me and I want to thank you, dear stranger, for sending me such a beautiful card and poem, for crying and praying for us, for your testimony, and for your KINDNESS to a family who does not know you. You know who you are and I will send you an email sometime in the next few days (and no, it's not anyone on blogger).

During this time I've received many comments and emails from people. Two stick out to me the most, though I've cherished each and every message. Amber, I kept your comment in my inbox for a LONG time. This is what you told me:

I'm so sorry, Joy. And you are absolutely right... you don't need to hear that it wasn't God timing because in fact, it was. God timed out the conception of your little one and allowed him (or her) to be part of your life for a purpose, even if it was for a short time. Your baby is just as much a treasured child as Elaina and Abigail... and God was as purposeful in His creation of this little one as in your gorgeous daughters.

You have every right to grieve this loss because your baby counted in this world... that little life brought lots of people to their knees in the past few weeks. Keep trusting Him, girl. Above all, He is good. Even when it makes no sense.

Wow, powerful words. Words that lifted a burden from my heart when MANY others said, "It just wasn't this one's timing, better luck next time!" (yes, I really did get a few messages like that, but not here).

Someone on my medical forum even gave me their personal home phone number in case I needed anything or just needed to vent or cry (thanks, peekawho!). When I saw your phone number I broke down in sobs that yet another perfect stranger was willing to reach out in kindness. I'll never forget it!

And my sister wrote me a long email and here is an excerpt that had me bawling but also helped to heal this lonely heart:

I really, really do think of you all day long and I wish I could take all the bad away. I was washing off my dining table the other day, and thinking back over your life and about you losing this baby, and about when Mom was pregnant with you. I kept seeing your little cherub cheeks, shiny blue eyes and curly hair and I started crying. I realized that I feel for you the way I feel for my own daughters. Truly, I do.

I know I am not Mom. I guess I feel like I should take over for her and protect you now that she's gone, but I am frustrated that I don't know how to accomplish that. Even though you are my sister, and equal to me, I love you like one of my own. I never knew or comprehended that I was feeling that way---but it all made sense the other day. And I am so sad for you right now.

I think back to your babyhood and I can't believe all the time that has gone by. You are a grown woman with a family of your own and I am wondering where all the years went. And I feel it is so unfair for you to lose these precious, innocent little babies and that my own baby sister shouldn't have to experience this heartache. I don't have any magic words, any perfect Scripture verses, or poetic Hallmark cards for you. All I can offer is my prayers. Just know I am here for you...

I'm posting this without your permission, Jewels, but I hope you don't mind. I want it here, among the rest of comments and my posts. Your email meant so much more to me than I let on, but I-know-that-you-know-that-I-know-that-you-know that I'm just not great with sharing my emotions.

And everyone else- Mel, Marisa, Michaelle, Tasha, Andrea, Vix, and the countless others whom I haven't even had the pleasure of getting to know just yet... THANK YOU for being here for me.

Today is a better day. No tears, no sadness passing the baby aisle (okay, maybe a smidge), and just generally feeling like the rainstorm has passed. I'm actually even contemplating trying again in the near future.

Interesting coincidences- I found out I was pregnant on March 22nd before I miscarried Aaron. Bumble Bee was born March 24th the following year. If I were to get pregnant my next cycle we'd have a due date at the end of October (which is when we found out I was pregnant with this little one). Just saying IF. It might not happen, but I wouldn't put it past God!

Also, the bleeding officially stopped Thanksgiving Day. It would come and go, come and go for a week but finally stopped on T-Day. Daniel and I even tangled some sheets and there was no issue with that. But I'm a fast healer and never had issues post partum (after giving birth). Probably should've waited another week but we have no self control. How do you think Butterfly was conceived before marriage? Lack of self control. LOL! See? I made you smile!


Hi, I'm Amber. said...

Joy, you are precious. I am praying for you. I just thought about something when I read about your pregnancy "timing" with Aaron and Abigail. Both of my miscarriages happened in February and I conceived both of my living children the following august. That is so weird. But you know what? If those two little babies would have lived, I wouldn't have Ally and Walker. That is mind blowing. God's ways are higher than my ways. Sometimes I just don't understand how He works, you know?

I also wanted to mention a book to you that is about a man who loses a child and faces God with the deep questions that shake his heart. It is called "The Shack". There has been some controversy surrounding it, but as similar as our stories are, I think it will touch you like it is touching me. I'm halfway done and already finding it life-changing. If you want, I can send it to you by postal mail when I finish it. :) Just let me know!

Joy said...

Ha! I saw that book at my MIL's house and she was adamant about me not reading it. I'd love to read it, if you don't mind! I read the back of her copy and thought it sounded like an amazing read.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm....why did she not want you to read it?

Anyways, I am glad I said something that brought you comfort. I have been feeling like such a lousy sister since you lost the baby. I know it's not about me.....I just feel like I should be able to help you. I appreciate that in our private emails you told me you still aren't ready to talk. I don't want to call if it's not a good time. Still praying for you and thinking of you, and hoping God eases the pain in your heart more and more everyday.

Mel said...

Every day you feel better and stronger is wonderful! God is building you up for great things to come in your life. I love that you are thinking more about being hopeful for another pregnancy.. I am hopeful for you, too.
And yes, you did make me LOL with the last paragraph. Self control is overrated. ;)

Ris said...

No need for self control! That's why we get married. LOL

The letter you got was so sweet. It's awesome knowing that you have great friends and a wonderful family behind you as you go through this. (And us cool blogger friends as well, of course!) ;-)