Monday, November 24, 2008

I'm not crazy!

Thanks to this website I've found that I'm really not crazy.

  • It is natural to feel despair and incredible, debilitating sadness. You may not want to get out of bed, talk to anyone, eat, or even breathe.

Yup, felt this one... I haven't wanted to talk to a single soul except Daniel and the girls. It's nothing personal, of course.

  • Anger is one of the natural parts of the grieving process. It is a healthy emotion right now and will get you feeling stronger. But it will probably not last. Anger usually gives way very quickly to sadness and despair.

I feel angry quite a bit it seems. But she's right, it always gives away to this overwhelming sadness.

  • Sometimes you will feel flushed with anger, and just as quickly you will be sobbing. You may feel like you are out of control. Maybe you want to smash things.

I ripped up a book and I really wanted to smash the blue elephant money bank that I've had waiting on my dresser for my future baby (which is hiding somewhere in the attic now to prevent me from smashing him).

I often think I'm just nuts and crazy and it is ridiculous to be this torn up over such an early loss. But the problem is that that was my baby, no matter how little. You constantly think of the WHAT-IFs and conjure up new scenerios, hoping that when you wake up it was all a nightmare.

One woman admitted to cradling her sono picture like a baby and I've found myself holding a baby doll like a real baby when my daughters bring me a doll to hold for them. I don't get all nuts about and think the baby is real. I just find myself being gentle and holding it very carefully as though real.

  • It may not get much better for a long time. There will probably be a time, about 3-4 months later, that it will actually get worse. Getting pregnant again may not give you the release from grief you seek. Just give yourself time and surround yourself with people who care and understand. Forget the rest of them, for now.

I hear this one! Especially about getting pregnant again because a new pregnancy would not replace the sweet angel you lost.

  • No one understands. You are right. Unless they have had a miscarriage (and fairly recently at that), people you talk to will not understand what you are going through. The average person will expect you to completely "get over" the miscarriage in about two weeks. This is about the point that things may actually get worse for you, when reality has set in, and you are failing to cope. Women suffer alone with miscarriage, and even the baby's father, your own mother, your best friend, or others you thought you could rely upon will fail you.

This is a hard pill to swallow because you want understanding and compassion from the people around you, but most of the time you're met with awkwardness because no one knows what to say, including me. Right now I really don't care about anything so I don't have anything to say (and no, not suicidal, though that is a very real emotion associated with loss as well. Just not one I've personally felt).

  • You will feel surrounded by babies and pregnant women. You will see reminders of your loss everywhere. This is something you are going to have to tough out.

I don't even have a comment on this one, really. I know that everywhere I go and everything I do has a reminder associated with it. My MIL made ginger cookies on Sunday, which immediately made me think, "Ginger helps with morning sickness..." But they were really good cookies and I didn't feel bad for my thought, just sad. The thing is, anything can remind you of your loss, whether someone says something or not, mostly because you actually find yourself looking for reminders, something to cling onto to to remind you that it was real.

And the best one...

  • You're a survivor, and sometimes survivors can't always act the way everyone else does.

So what goes on in the mind of a woman when she has lost a baby in early pregnancy? Just that--- she feels lost. She is easily distracted and lost in thought, often has this feeling that she has misplaced something and can't quite figure it out until reality once again bulldozes her.

Her mind flits from feelings of intense anger at the doctor, herself, her neighbor for giving her a strange look, to her child for unknowingly saying something insensitive... and then it flits back to this mask of sadness. It just envelopes you and ACTUALLY makes you feel like you can't breathe. It's like a fog about you that clings to you and suffocates you.

You don't want to smile, you don't want to eat. Everything that someone says is weighed as being sensitive or insensitive and you're very raw to the actions of the people around you. Anything can be a trigger to remind you of your loss. At times you may be laughing and having an amazing time with everyone but on the inside your heart is saying, "Why are you having so much fun when your little one is dead?" Even if a woman grieving looks happy, she's not on the inside.

But it's okay to laugh, which I do often. I also crack jokes constantly and just tonight we all went upstairs after dinner and laid on my bed and wrestled and played but I was still plagued with sadness and consumed with my thoughts. Each day really is getting better. I didn't cry once today (mostly because I feel numb today, which is part of the grieving process- feelings of denial). I'm just taking it one day at a time. I'm looking forward to tomorrow possibly being even better. And then the next day, then the next.


Anonymous said...

You are the only one with a timeline for your grief. Don't worry about what others think. I feel that when we go through pain, we are most often alone in it. And the older I get, the less I care about what others want from me. Take your time---this is your experience. I was praying for you and Daniel this morning---I hope you feel God's love wrapped around you today!

Lisa said...

I just wanted to say I have been following your blog, and appreciate each and every one of your words. One of the "points" that you posted is a toss up for me though, and thats the one that said something about people who have had miscarriages understanding, and "recent ones" more so...or something like that. I don't know about the recent part. I had my miscarriage/stillbirth 17 years ago, and it is still very fresh in my mind as I'm sure it will always be. I remember the phases...and the feeling of sadness when I realized I was "officially" through them. The grieving process was all I had left, wasn't it? Anyway, your blogs are helping me cope, still to this day, all these years later. So just know that moms of recent, just last year, 5 years ago, 17 years ago, miscarriages, feel your pain and know that nothing anyone else says will EVER heal you completely. You are, in a sense, your own healer. One thing that does make me smile about my lost baby is that I know that someday when my Creator comes, I will receive my baby placed in my arms from his guardian angel, and I will forever in eternity, raise him finally, and he will never cry, never feel pain, never know sadness. God is so great! Even as foriegn as that sometimes feels......
I pray now for you to find a small bit of peace in something today! ((Hugs)) ~ Lisa ~

Mel said...

It is very hard for someone who has not been in your shoes to understand what you are going through right now and it's hard to know the right thing to say in this situation. I am so sad to think of how many people I've known that have had miscarriages, especially when I was much younger than I am now, and how I didn't know what to say and probably anything I did or didn't do was hurtful or worthless.
I do know the pain of disappointment and failure and I hope that in time God will heal these wounds and give you the strength and courage to try again. I pray every day he will carry you out of this dark time and reveal his often confusing (and sometimes painful) plan to you.

Monkey's Momma said...

Joy, I have never had a miscarriage, but you know that I know your grief and sense of loss is very real. I feel for you, hon, I really, really do. Just because it was an early loss does not make it any less tragic for you and Daniel. I know how much you wanted this baby.

You are in my thoughts and prayers each and every day. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, my dear, and you will survive day at a time.

Andrea said...

Thank you so so so much for sharing the link to that webpage with me! It helped to read that hormones really stay messed up in the months following, cycles are messed up. It helps so much to know that many women do grieve for months. I was starting to think I was weird for still feeling sad when I see babies or think about how far along in my pregnancy I should be.

I'm glad that you are still moving forward. I remember after the first week or so I finally got to where you were, able to move around and laugh and talk and go a day without crying. This is something that will never completely go away, but the survivor quote is right...we have to keep going in whatever way is possible.

The Mommy said...

Take absolutely as much time as you need. YOU are the only one going through what you are going through.