Friday, November 14, 2008

I hate November

In 2006 I found out I was pregnant and due in November. I lost that baby at around 6 weeks.

My mom's deathiversary is tomorrow, November 15th.

And today, on November 14th I'm told my HCG plummeted to 3,000 (from almost 7,000) but my progesterone is 175. My doctor didn't want to say that I was miscarrying because she felt it could go either way. That the drop in progesterone caused a drop in HCG and because I'm supplemented now it may rise again.

Monday is yet another blood draw, and Wednesday an ultrasound.

There are no words to express how I feel and I'm sure if you saw how raw my face was you'd have an inkling. I was ready to stop trying, to move on with the next chapter in my life and out of nowhere I get pregnant and was so elated. Nothing could wipe the smile from my face until now. Have I given up? No because there is always hope. But I'm completely frustrated and angry and I just want to see into my body, to see what is going on.

When I think there are no more tears another torrent comes. I know the pills are helping me to cry a lot more easily and I wish I didn't feel like my heart was breaking. I know I can handle a loss but I keep thinking of Butterfly and how excited she was. What am I going to do? What if something happens? What am I going to say to this little girl who prayed to Jesus almost every night for a brother?

I'm off to do some research in hopes of finding hope. Regardless of what I find I know our God is a God of miracles. He can do anything and right now I'm asking Him to show us mercy and breathe life into this body.

7 comments:

Tasha Via said...

I just prayed for you!

Hi, I'm Amber. said...

Praying for you!!!

Julie said...

Ah, Sissy, I am praying for you. I don't know what to say except that it sucks. And I hope God saves this little baby and you carry him/her to term. I'm just sorry you are going through this right now. Love you!

Ris said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this! I am praying for you.

Andrea said...

*HUG* I'm praying for you too. I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I'm praying for you. It's terrible that this is happening right around the anniversary of your mom's death. If you want to talk about anything I'm here, you can email me anytime.

Monkey's Momma said...

{{{Joy}}}. Still sending prayers your way, for you and Pumpkin both.

Paula said...

Joy,

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words left on my blog regarding our adoption. We are excited, nervous...all the things that we're supposed to be, I suppose! It's been a tough journey from infertility to choosing adoption, but once the decision was made, it was as if a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I know now that this is what Our Lord had in mind for us all the time. It just took us a while to hear what he was saying.

Now I've read your post, and I'm so compelled to pray for you and your sweet baby. My heart goes out to you at this time, as I know you are scared, frustrated....angry! But you're right. God is good and He will help you through whatever comes your way. Continue to Lean on Him and know that more prayers are going up for you from Tennessee!! ~ Paula --thewhisenants.blogspot.com