Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Breakdown

So my last post? I was talking about how I was having a pretty good day. Well that all got shot to you-know-where once I was done typing it. I thought I was good enough to break out the G.oogle monster and start g.oogling stuff. I am a very curious person and I have to know the answers to almost everything or it drives me crazy.

I decided to G.oogle the phrases from the sonogram report: irregular sac and fetal demise.

Bad idea!

I ended up crying my little heart out to the point of almost hyperventilating. Apparently there are many words to describe a miscarriage. This is what it said about my experience:


Although a variety of terms are used to describe early pregnancy failure, in the presence of clear-cut sonographic evidence that a nonliving embryo is present, the term embryonic demise should apply.

So of course I get all hysterical. THIS WASN'T A CHEMICAL PREGNANCY. This wasn't a blighted ovum. There was an actual little baby that was "nonliving" (aka dead). Apparently the black mass that I saw on the sonogram was the SAC, not the baby.

The sac itself was a rugged, triangular shape (that's why I thought it was the baby--- I thought it was curled up in the fetal position).

This revelation of actually knowing that my baby wasn't just a mutated mass of cells (blighted ovum) brought so much comfort and sorrow at the same time. I knew this in my heart, I FELT it and the term "fetal demise" gave it away (my first miscarriage, I believe, was a chemical pregnancy). But to actually read, from a medical article, the term's description just broke me down.

Maybe there really was something wrong and getting the progesterone sooner wouldn't have mattered. I just don't know anymore. No matter what it still makes me sad. The only grateful part in all of this is that they won't have to suffer in this world.

So I went from being fine and dandy when Daniel left last night, to having him come home to a sad and forlorn wife. I felt bad but at the same time didn't care. I could tell it upset him and he told me as much, in a nice way.

We went up to bed early and cuddled. Those moments mean so much to me, just being held. In the whisper of darkness I asked Daniel about baby names. He gave this sigh of... impatience? Annoyance? Defiance? I have no idea. I think he just wants to bottle feelings up and move on and doesn't want me to keep rehashing this over and over. I just can't help myself.

I wasn't asking in an emotional way. I was completely calm, as if talking about what to make for dinner the next evening. I have come up with two gender-neutral names that really popped out at me. The first is not a name I would use for a real, live baby and the second name is beautiful but more feminine to me.

Haven- means SAFE PLACE and that's why I like it (for the meaning).

Kieran- means LITTLE DARK ONE (which made me think of the sonogram- my only glimpse into my pregnant womb of this little one).

Daniel wanted time to think about it. I really like both but especially Kieran. And no, I won't use both. Our last name ends with an "in" sound so it'd just be weird! And we gave our first Angel Baby only one name, so we'll do the same with this one.

I haven't decided what to plant (bush, tree, flowers?) in a memorial. I asked Daniel about doing a memorial service or something with just his parents and us but he said private was better because no one understands. I thought it'd be nice to have them there because I know they care and would want to be part of that. Or maybe they'll just watch the kiddos for us while we do it ourselves. I don't know. I just don't know. I. Do. Not. Know. I've been saying that a lot lately.

Okay I'm done boring you to tears with my information but I'm loving being able to vent and record all of this. Maybe one day I'll print it all off, make a memorial box, and tuck it in with my pee sticks and pregnancy journal (which I've found myself writing in still- I just can't help it... I'm writing letters to a baby that will never read them but it helps me cope and reminds me that all of this is very real).

*current weight loss is at 9 lbs. but still not enough for jean size down. And after Thanksgiving tomorrow I'll probably have it ALL back. Okay, maybe just some...

4 comments:

Julie said...

After what you shared with me earlier, I think D is right about just you and him having a memorial together. Not that my opinion matters!
I always smile when I read/hear "pee sticks". :)
I think Kieran is a beautiful name. How comforting and yet sad that there was truly a baby in there. Maybe you should talk to God and have him tell Mom she needs to quit being so selfish up there. ;) (you know I am joking). I think she probably really enjoys having some grandbabies up there to snuggle on. But seriously, if this keeps up, we're gonna have to make a trip up there and kick her in the behind.
Hope that brings a smile to your lovely face.

Tasha Via said...

you never bore us with tears. I love that you feel free to openly write your emotions and feelings.

Andrea said...

I'm still officially on a blog break, but I'm "cheating" to comment on here. I just wanted you to know that reading your blog isn't making me more upset. As a matter of fact, I feel myself calming down and feeling saner when I read your blog. I feel awful that you are going through this, but it is also comforting to know that someone else knows how I feel.

It's been very hard with the holidays coming up. I try to be optimistic and not assume that they will be hard, but it just isn't working and when I get there, sure enough, it's hard (my MIL was horriblelast night *sigh*). It's hard turning a year older but not being any closer to being a mom, Thanksgiving, Christmas. Then our baby's due date is in January. That describes my horrible mood this past week...plus I have a feeling AF is on her way which always affects my mood!

I hope you had as good a Thanksgiving as you could under the circumstances. I've been thinking about you and praying.

Ris said...

Oh Joy, I am so sorry that you are going through this pain! I think the name is wonderful (both, actually), and I think that although it was painful to read what you read, it must have felt relieving to know that you KNEW. You knew your body enough to know what was going on. God is protecting that little one now, and I know that does NOT take away any of your pain, but I am still praying that you will have peace and comfort during this awful time.