I decided to G.oogle the phrases from the sonogram report: irregular sac and fetal demise.
I ended up crying my little heart out to the point of almost hyperventilating. Apparently there are many words to describe a miscarriage. This is what it said about my experience:
Although a variety of terms are used to describe early pregnancy failure, in the presence of clear-cut sonographic evidence that a nonliving embryo is present, the term embryonic demise should apply.
So of course I get all hysterical. THIS WASN'T A CHEMICAL PREGNANCY. This wasn't a blighted ovum. There was an actual little baby that was "nonliving" (aka dead). Apparently the black mass that I saw on the sonogram was the SAC, not the baby.
The sac itself was a rugged, triangular shape (that's why I thought it was the baby--- I thought it was curled up in the fetal position).
This revelation of actually knowing that my baby wasn't just a mutated mass of cells (blighted ovum) brought so much comfort and sorrow at the same time. I knew this in my heart, I FELT it and the term "fetal demise" gave it away (my first miscarriage, I believe, was a chemical pregnancy). But to actually read, from a medical article, the term's description just broke me down.
Maybe there really was something wrong and getting the progesterone sooner wouldn't have mattered. I just don't know anymore. No matter what it still makes me sad. The only grateful part in all of this is that they won't have to suffer in this world.
So I went from being fine and dandy when Daniel left last night, to having him come home to a sad and forlorn wife. I felt bad but at the same time didn't care. I could tell it upset him and he told me as much, in a nice way.
We went up to bed early and cuddled. Those moments mean so much to me, just being held. In the whisper of darkness I asked Daniel about baby names. He gave this sigh of... impatience? Annoyance? Defiance? I have no idea. I think he just wants to bottle feelings up and move on and doesn't want me to keep rehashing this over and over. I just can't help myself.
I wasn't asking in an emotional way. I was completely calm, as if talking about what to make for dinner the next evening. I have come up with two gender-neutral names that really popped out at me. The first is not a name I would use for a real, live baby and the second name is beautiful but more feminine to me.
Haven- means SAFE PLACE and that's why I like it (for the meaning).
Kieran- means LITTLE DARK ONE (which made me think of the sonogram- my only glimpse into my pregnant womb of this little one).
Daniel wanted time to think about it. I really like both but especially Kieran. And no, I won't use both. Our last name ends with an "in" sound so it'd just be weird! And we gave our first Angel Baby only one name, so we'll do the same with this one.
I haven't decided what to plant (bush, tree, flowers?) in a memorial. I asked Daniel about doing a memorial service or something with just his parents and us but he said private was better because no one understands. I thought it'd be nice to have them there because I know they care and would want to be part of that. Or maybe they'll just watch the kiddos for us while we do it ourselves. I don't know. I just don't know. I. Do. Not. Know. I've been saying that a lot lately.
Okay I'm done boring you to tears with my information but I'm loving being able to vent and record all of this. Maybe one day I'll print it all off, make a memorial box, and tuck it in with my pee sticks and pregnancy journal (which I've found myself writing in still- I just can't help it... I'm writing letters to a baby that will never read them but it helps me cope and reminds me that all of this is very real).
*current weight loss is at 9 lbs. but still not enough for jean size down. And after Thanksgiving tomorrow I'll probably have it ALL back. Okay, maybe just some...