Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Embarassed...

You know that because this blog is private I'm more likely to be open and candid about my feelings and my experiences. And there's nothing more that I'd like right now than to admit how incredibly embarassed and humiliated PCOS makes me feel.

And because I have children it only puts a more painful twist on it. A different pain than one of a childless infertile couple, but a deep pain nevertheless. To have your body be reliable and compliant and then have that same body turn on you and begin to work dysfunctionally is so difficult. I can only imagine that people who find they have cancer feel a deeper sorrow of the same feeling that I am experiencing.

Even now, even though I'm writing this down (errr--- typing anyway) it is so hard to put into words exactly what I'm feeling. I feel like I'm just putting my foot in my mouth...

And the thing is, being young doesn't matter. Telling someone they "have time" does not matter. They're empty words meant to console but they only bury the person further into their despair. Why? Because they know that those words don't mean a thing when you have a fertility issue.

Yeah, this is really sunny isn't it? That's why I've decided ONCE AND FOR ALL that PCOS will not define me. No longer will I say "I have PCOS." Instead I will say that "I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE" and I will also say "NO PLAGUE WILL COME NEAR MY DWELLING".

I'm SICK of being defined by what is problematic in my life. And I'm sick of the devil having a "foothold" through this reproductive problem. Obviously he does not want to make this easy for me. Obviously he fears who our children will become. And I'm glad he's scared! But GREATER is He who is in ME!

When I was a teenager I was very "active" with a boyfriend. We didn't use anything. Ever. For months and months. I never got pregnant. In fact I had problems that I was afraid to address. I was 16 and would not talk with my mom about these types of things. Anyway, I knew deep, deep inside my heart that there was a problem but I was so afraid. Not to mention I was NOT a Christian.

When I did become a Christian I threw away my old life. No alcohol, no sex, no bad media (foul movies and music--- it was strictly all Christian). And I approached a really good friend of mine. He sort of adopted me as his little sister and we were seemingly inseparable in retrospect.

Anyway, I told him in a stage whisper "I don't think I'll ever be able to have children" at a late night Bible study in the church sanctuary. And this may seem weird (it wasn't to me) but in the middle of the sanctuary he laid his hand on my stomach (while a girlfriend touched my shoulder and my head) and he prayed such a fervent prayer. I cried which was a major deal since I rarely do, especially in public. I FELT something change...

Two months after I started sleeping with Daniel I found out I was pregnant. Nine months after Butterfly was born I was pregnant again (miscarriage). It took one try to get pregnant with Bumble Bee.

The devil attacked me then. He's doing it again now! So I'm begging and pleaing with all of you who call Jesus your Lord and Savior to get on your knees and PRAY for me.

I don't care if you believe having a child is right or wrong for me at this time in my life. I simply want control of my reproduction to be placed RIGHTFULLY into the hands of God and out of the devil's grasp. I want the doctors to be astonished and say, "Well you don't have PCOS at all!"

I've felt this way for a few weeks. This nudging in the back of my mind that something has been off. Sure, I've thought to myself, "In God's timing..." and that things would fall into place. But I have this strange ability to sense, or discern, when the devil is at work. I have to admit that it took me a lot longer to figure it out because I've been so wrapped up in other things and he is a sneaky foe.

A few such discernments that really shook me up- Anna Nicole Smith's death, my own mother's death (years before she even knew she had cancer I felt what I would describe as a blackness and "death" around her and as a child it scared me... I even told her "If you die, Mommy, I want to die with you" one day), Heath Ledger's death, and Chris Benoit's murder/suicide (he's a pro wrestler).

I recognize what's going on and I'm very passionate and driven right now.

One final note, I promise--- the friend who prayed for me those years ago as a baby Christian? His wife was told that she'd NEVER have children. She is pregnant with their third daughter and soon to deliver! I'm telling you that man has an anointing in this arena! In fact I may go email his wife now for even more prayer warriors!!!

*********UPDATE**********
I emailed my former youth pastor's wife and she will most likely forward it to my old friend's wife (it's more appropriate to have his wife pray or for them to pray in unison). More updates to come... I hope...!

6 comments:

Tasha Via said...

Joy, you have quite a past. Mine is very similar. God is so good isn't He!! I am reminding myself of that right now as we just ended our 8th cycle after beginning to try, this morning and are ... AGAIN ... not pregnant. I am so sad this morning. I have realized that I have a short luteal phase (I've been charting consistently for months) and am going to try the B6 vitamin to boost my progesterone levels. We'll see what this month holds.

Monkey's Momma said...

Joy, God has a plan for you, Daniel and your children. I truly feel in my heart that you will go on to have a lot more children. Praying for you as always! :)

jewels said...

"To have your body be reliable and compliant and then have that same body turn on you and begin to work dysfunctionally is so difficult. I can only imagine that people who find they have cancer feel a deeper sorrow of the same feeling that I am experiencing."

You hit the nail on the head there, Joy. Mom used to talk to me about how betrayed she felt by her body. That the cancer was an enemy, that her body turned on itself and was killing itself. She felt so helpless at times and yet tried to remain so faithful to God and His promises. I wouldn't wish her alive again for anything though---I would never want her to have to come back to this sick world. She is truly in a much better place now and she will not have to face the Tribulation that is coming.

I have often wondered what it would be like to hear a diagnosis that would change my life forever. Not that I am wanting one! Daily I have to relearn how to submit to God and die to myself. It is hard. Things happen to us, but they only define us if we ALLOW it. Good for you for taking a stand against PCOS. PCOS is not what Joy is about; it is only something that is happening to you right now. And let's pray it's days are numbered.

Hi, I'm Amber. said...

Joy, I'm praying that God will bless you with a baby soon! I know the ache so well. I thought I'd suggest something that you might want to ask your doctor about. Since your progesterone levels were good last month, have you considered taking an HCG injection when your eggs are at their prime? When I was TTC Ally, clomid and metformin did the trick. But with Walker, it wasn't working. After a year of trying and lots of high dose clomid, a specialist added that HCG injection when my eggs appeared ripe (by Ultrasound) and I conceived the first month we tried. I just thought I would throw it out there. I didn't know about it until the specialist told me. My regular OB-GYN didn't even offer it. Praying for you!

Andrea said...

I understand what you mean by feeling embarrassed by your body turning on you. I felt that way after my miscarriage, embarrassed and ashamed that my body didn't do what it was supposed to do.

I know that it must be so frustrating for you, but I'm so glad that you've been filled with strength and determination! Like I said in my comment on your other blog, I'm praying for you! I'm so excited to see what God is going to do for you because I know it will all turn out to be amazing :-)

jewels said...

I was just looking at your "needs" list. If you can get up here before you have the next baby, I have a carseat and base, bouncer, baby glider, etc. Obviously stuff that is too big to mail, and stuff that I would want back when you're done with it.